New Year new hope

I had a lovely Christmas and New Year.

It was my sons 21st Birthday a few days before Christmas, 21st!

Wow it made me feel old and genuinely wonder how quickly the years have gone by. 

But I am extremely proud of the man my son has become, and unbiasedly know that he is a man who will do well in life, because he works his tail off now in order to achieve his dreams. 

He is, and always will be the best thing that has happened in my life. 

I was able to go to my parents and have Christmas lunch and on Boxing Day spend time with my brothers, neices and nephews and my brothers lovely wife 🙂 

Amidst the talking, joking around ( because all of us are jokers and cheeky remarkers) and eating I had a moment of feeling like the old me. I stopped and felt so much like me that it was scary but so exhilarating! 

I haven’t felt like that in a very long time, haven’t felt ‘normal’. But with my family, I felt so happy to be there, to see them all and able to join in that I forgot that I am actually sick. 

To be able to talk to my older neices and nephew and see how grown up the eldest neice is becoming, and how clever and cheeky my older nephew is and the spit of my brother! 

I felt like the old me, carefree, happy, jokey, and being silly with my young nephew as I played with his Star Wars figures and discussing how if a ghost tried to drink water it would go through its body, and that zombies eat brains, but not mine because it’s too small.. :,) 

It was good to feel that way, good to actually feel I am still me, that I am still me inside myself and to let that out.. Felt incredibly freeing 🙂 

I felt greatful for the amazing family I have, felt greatful that I could manage to see them, and feel grateful for the genuine love and support we all give to one another no matter what. 

Yes, I am still very ill. Yes, my mobility is so bad now that I lose the use of my legs in a weekly basis. Yes, I am still mostly bed and housebound.

But.

But, it’s the special moments like that which make me feel fortunate for what I do have, regardless of what I don’t. 

That despite how sick I am, I know that I have far more good things in my life than I don’t have. 

That many would love to swap places with me, and experience the love, support, and care of a family. To have a roof over their heads, a child and security. 

To know that despite how bad things can be, I am never truly alone and never will be. 

That, is worth far far more than what I don’t have health wise, and always will be no matter what the future brings. 

🙂 

Chronic pain strikes again

I have no idea what happened to today’s blog, it only uploaded the first part of it! Grrrr

My chronic pain is back with avengence, but I’m hoping it’s a short lived thing. I can only take oramorph and paracetamol in between new pain meds and even though my pain meds have been tripled in dose I’m still in massive pain. Fingers crossed it’ll ease off.

I had a plumber come today, my toilet wasn’t flushing properly which was yucky. I took the top off the cistern and saw I needed a new ball cock (tee hee) in the past I would’ve fixed it myself but I no longer have the energy or ability to pop to the shop for supplies. The plumber was nice enough and fixed it within minutes, so my toilet now flushes better than ever. Relief 🙂

It’s my partner and I 1 year anniversary on Monday. We are planning a trip to the zoo which I am really excited about! I am hoping that I can go, it’ll be the first major outing for me in neatly 2 years. I’ll dose myself up with painkillers and bring my aides and other bits to make the day easier in my body.
I want to roar at the lions oooh oooh at the monkeys and go into the bat sanctuary and have them fly around me. I am going to do my best to get there!

It is my longest proper relationship and although it’s been difficult at times we’ve got through it and are stronger than ever. I became really unwell within two months of us being together which would impact on any relationship. I was willing to let him go, I said I wouldn’t hold it against him if he did and I didn’t want to put my stuff onto him. He refused and has been there every step of the way. There is a six year age difference between us, he’s younger but it’s not an issue at all as we are very mentally connected and he is very wise. He tells me every day he loves me, how beautiful I am and I know they’re not just words. He is the guy in movies you watch that are loving, supportive, kind, always there and you never believe that kind of man exists. But he does, and I love him more than I could describe, I appreciate him and he is my equal in every way. I am an incredibly lucky lady.

I aim to make some bracelets later on if my pain decreases, I have so many beads, silver accessories and chains that my partner bought I could make around 50 with them. I also have neckelace items which I am to make, I love silver! It’s favourite colour next to black. I will post pictures if I do make them and would appreciate honest opinions 🙂

Chocolate, Flowers and smiles

I woke yesterday to a lovely sight, two Thornton chocolate figures , a chick and a rabbit, either side of a vase of tulips. I had to put up with my partner also being in the image, but you can’t win them all… 😉 I joke, I really am very lucky to have someone so thoughtful and kind and I really don’t know what I would do without him.
I am very lucky to have a family that support and help me too. I am rarely stuck having anything brought to me, prescriptions, electric top up, milk etc and I know I can pick up the ‘phone to my Mother and she will be there for a natter or rant. My Father is really good at lifting my spirits and I get my ‘getting on with it’ attitude from him. If you can’t change something then learn to adapt until such time that you can, that is very much installed in my brain. This has helped  me to adapt to being like this, well apart from the occasional rant  🙂

My rib pressure is still there, I now have a temperature too but I am constantly getting that so I have no idea if it’s related or not. The left side of my neck and shoulder have also decided to seize just to put that lil more annoyance into things. I am going to have to ‘phone the doctor tomorrow if it’s still there, the rib pressure as it’s going into my back and hips. The joy of chronic conditions eh.

The OT is coming round on Thursday and I need to tidy up the flat, but there is no way I can today. Moving is making my rib pressure worst but I can’t stand the mess my room is in. I will have to ask for help to tidy and clean it, which I do hate doing. I don’t want someone having to do that for me, hence why I refused home help as we get by well enough and I wouldn’t feel comfortable with someone I don’t know in my home. This is a personal thing, I think carers do a brilliant job and help so many people, theyre a god send in so many ways. And I expect eventually I will have to have them, but for now I will manage without.

My partners brother and his girlfriend popped in for a lil while before going to a family Easter lunch at their parents. I couldn’t go but it was nice to chat with them. I have never met his brothers girlfriend before, but she was lovely. They’re a good couple and I like them both. We are planning to do a film and take a way night soon which I’m looking forward to. I appreciated the suggestion, as I can’t go out they suggested coming here and all spending time together. It was a really thoughtful idea and I look forward to spending more time with them. Plus the local chippy is gorgeous so good company, films and a pig out on lots of food sounds perfect to me. Stuff the careful eating for that night, it’s all for a good cause after all… 😉