New Year new hope

I had a lovely Christmas and New Year.

It was my sons 21st Birthday a few days before Christmas, 21st!

Wow it made me feel old and genuinely wonder how quickly the years have gone by. 

But I am extremely proud of the man my son has become, and unbiasedly know that he is a man who will do well in life, because he works his tail off now in order to achieve his dreams. 

He is, and always will be the best thing that has happened in my life. 

I was able to go to my parents and have Christmas lunch and on Boxing Day spend time with my brothers, neices and nephews and my brothers lovely wife 🙂 

Amidst the talking, joking around ( because all of us are jokers and cheeky remarkers) and eating I had a moment of feeling like the old me. I stopped and felt so much like me that it was scary but so exhilarating! 

I haven’t felt like that in a very long time, haven’t felt ‘normal’. But with my family, I felt so happy to be there, to see them all and able to join in that I forgot that I am actually sick. 

To be able to talk to my older neices and nephew and see how grown up the eldest neice is becoming, and how clever and cheeky my older nephew is and the spit of my brother! 

I felt like the old me, carefree, happy, jokey, and being silly with my young nephew as I played with his Star Wars figures and discussing how if a ghost tried to drink water it would go through its body, and that zombies eat brains, but not mine because it’s too small.. :,) 

It was good to feel that way, good to actually feel I am still me, that I am still me inside myself and to let that out.. Felt incredibly freeing 🙂 

I felt greatful for the amazing family I have, felt greatful that I could manage to see them, and feel grateful for the genuine love and support we all give to one another no matter what. 

Yes, I am still very ill. Yes, my mobility is so bad now that I lose the use of my legs in a weekly basis. Yes, I am still mostly bed and housebound.

But.

But, it’s the special moments like that which make me feel fortunate for what I do have, regardless of what I don’t. 

That despite how sick I am, I know that I have far more good things in my life than I don’t have. 

That many would love to swap places with me, and experience the love, support, and care of a family. To have a roof over their heads, a child and security. 

To know that despite how bad things can be, I am never truly alone and never will be. 

That, is worth far far more than what I don’t have health wise, and always will be no matter what the future brings. 

🙂 

Virus and sugar

This week has been full of virus symptoms for me.

I knew there was a huge chance this could happen, my partner had terrible flu lady week and over the weekend and the chances of catching it were big.

Not that I’m blaming him for waking up feeling like my head was twice the size due to phlegm, no matter how Homebound you are germs are around us and brought in by our nearest and dearest. That’s just life, especially at this time of year when the weather is cooling and the germs are happily bouncing around.

As with any virus my chronic condition symptoms have escalated and I’m trying to keep everything on a manageable level, which my body obviously doesn’t understand! Ha 🙂

I’ve woken with nerve pain in my back and all down my left leg, I’m limping about like the famous Bristol Blackbeard pirate, who was born just down the road from me.

I’m certainly not a pretty sight at the moment, with my puffy eyes, phlegmatic nose and throat and cough but I’m keeping in top of all my meds with Vick, cough sweets, extra paracetamol too and in a few weeks or months it’ll go.. Oh the joys of chronic illness and prolonged symptoms! 😉

I’ve been making jewerelly while in bed, and put them up for sale which I’m happy about being able to achieve. I’ve even made a veggie shepherds pie from scratch for my son and a bread pudding last week which I’m very happy about, to be able to cook is always a great achievement.

I have noticed over the last week that I am craving sugar, I can’t stop drinking coke and eating biscuits.. Something that is impacting in my usual good eating.

I have found time after time strange cravings have been a constant part of my symptoms since becoming unwell. I’ve been lucky that it’s mostly been fruit I’ve craved recently but now it’s time for fatty sugar.
I’ve been trying to not have any, but then I break in the middle of the night and cram chocolate, biscuits and a can of coke down my greedy gullet. The ignoring of the craving just makes it worse, if I try not to eat any sugary things I end up eating twice the amount I would’ve if I had just let myself eat something sugary.

So I’m going to eat lil sweet things and stop the gorging, my weight will suffer but my body is craving it for some reason and it’s no good pretending it isn’t.

I joined a great group on Facebook yesterday, it’s called Spoonie Mailing List which brings the unwell together by posting letters to each other. I think this is a brilliant idea, so many if us are isolated, are not able to have much outside communication and a letter from someone who understands that can mean so much. I applaud the lady who created this group and I look forward to sending my first letter, and corresponding with people who are in similar situations 🙂

All about… me :)

For another change I thought I would talk about and show pics of me from my past.

I haven’t really given much background on myself, snippets here and there but the older I get the more I look back, I think being unwell makes you look back more often too.

I am the fifth of six children, all from the same parents no step. I have four older brothers and a sister 17 months younger than me.

Along with my parents, and the several dogs we had over the years it was a very manic, no personal space, boisterous, noisy but happy home.
Luckily we had a three story house and 100ft garden, where my parents and sister still live, so we had room to play, fight, move about without it being too crowded.

Having four older brothers did create a lot of teasing, jokes, being dared to watch scary films etc.. which I think moulded my character a lot. The traits of standing my ground, not easily scared, my humour, the standing up for myself and others.
I didn’t grow up very girly, I played football, cricket, made dens, but I still had Barbie dolls and have a memory of washing my dollies clothes and hanging them on our washing line as my Mum hung our washing.

We were not rich, or well off. We never had spare money and were lucky to have enough money to pay the bills. We grew up with no central heating, we relied on three coal fires and in a three story house you can imagine how un practical that was. In the winter it was freezing, and I mean so cold you could see your breath when in bed.

I have so many happy memories though, toasting bread in front of the fire, laying against our much loved and still missed dog Kano as I read and wrote stories. Playing cards, star wars figure games with my brothers. Playing practical jokes on each other, being teased but always knowing my brothers would and did fiercely protect us.

The one thing we always had was food. My Mum is the kind of woman who will not let you leave her home without haven eaten something or taken food with you. God knows how she managed this with so many mouths to feed, I know she went hungry many times so there would be enough food for us children.

This resulting in me being tubby.. well overweight as a child.

I matured at a very young age, physically as well as mentally. I was not a pretty child, I had big front teeth, wore glasses, was tubby, clumsy and wore baggy clothes to try to hide my chubbiness and maturing body.
This is me at 7 years old…

It took having my son to lose weight, which is unusual. I was 12 stone before pregnancy, 14 half stone after pregnancy and within six months was 9 stone, which over two years became 7 stone which was way too thin.
This is me at 15 on my sons 1st Birthday

From having my son, I changed my life around. I was a little wild before hand, never in school, hanging around with older and wrong people. I have no doubt I would not be here today if it wasn’t for having my son, I was on a slippery slope that could of only ended badly for me.

At 15 I was a Mum, working as a cleaner, in school and college. They have a brilliant school for young mothers in Bristol, where you take your children with you as you study. I have recently looked it up and it now offers 6th form and university level courses. I haven’t visited for a few years and kept meaning too, but the last two years have made me unable to do so. I plan to get in contact with the headteacher soon though. She is an amazing woman who campaigns for young mums and help any of us she can.

Some of my best years were spent in that school, I still miss those days more than I ever thought I would so many years later.

As regular readers know I suffer from Endometriosis too, the last 8 years of my life have been blighted by illness. I was not as bad then as now, and still had the silly side I do now which has helped me through a lot.
Dressed as Miss Christmas 3 years ago

So that is a little bit of my early life I wanted to share with you. I hope it didn’t bore you too much 😉
All of us that are unwell, have long term illnesses, short term, any illness that impacts on us had a different life before we became unwell.

For the people who only see us as we are now, sick, stick walking, wheelchair using bed and home bound need to realise this. That we are people, just like them. We were children, teenagers, adults. With all the past, memories, feelings families, experiences that well people had and have.

We are people, not a diagnosis.

A new week

Last week was a bit difficult pain wise, I think the gastric flu stirred up my body and is causing a lot more pain.

The colder weather isn’t helping either, I love the winter but nowadays the winter doesn’t love me! The cold makes my conditions worse, I’ve started waking in extreme pain again, when I am sleeping which is difficult again.

I can’t seem to switch off at the moment, I lay there so tired that my eyes are burning but I just cannot switch of my brain and drift to sleep. Painsomnia mixed with insomnia.. Is not fun! But hey, it could always be worse and I can’t wake up! 🙂

It was a quiet week, my mum visited which was nice, and brought food for myself and son.. Bless her she does still love to feed people 🙂

My son has been buying new furniture for our home which is lovely, I haven’t been able to buy any big purchases as money is so tight. But he is insisting he wants to, and along with new cabinets he is getting a new corner sofa for the front room! We’ve always wanted one, the room is a perfect shape and I’ll be able to lay on it as sitting up is difficult. but alas I’ve never been able to buy one as even before becoming ill most of my money went in bills and daily living. But now we will not only have a new corner sofa, but one that goes into a double bed which will come in handy!

I’m touched by him doing this, he’s worked hard and saved his money up for these items and I’m so lucky that I have such a considerate, thoughtful son. He said awhile back that he wants to provide towards the home, I’d paid for everything for 19 years, brought him up and it was now his turn to do so, and look after me. He’s a great lad :,)

I’m still healthy eating and find it does help with my energy levels, I am not as sluggish now. I have the odd biscuit now and then but I find I cannot manage as much food or type of food I used to eat. I naturally go for a tangerine or apple now instead of chocolate.. Wow, I never thought I’d see the day that happened! Miracles do exist.. 😉

Food glorious food

I am waiting for my food delivery to arrive, wondering it will be on time or late again. They have a three hour delivery slot so here’s hoping it will be delivered on time and intact.

I do love food shop day though, it’s something I have loved since I was a child. We didn’t have a lot of money growing up, with six kids, two adults and a dog you can imagine money was tight. But our food shops were huge and I used to love going with my parents, helping to put things in the trolley and choosing a food item because I had been good, which was usually yoghurts or crisp. Then proudly helping to carry a carry bag back to our home as though we were rich because look at all the food we had, then helping to unpack it and getting a feeling off comfort seeing it all in the cupboards, fridge and freezer. To this day nothing makes me happier than having food in the cupboards, knowing there is food there and if I have any spare money it will go on food. Not cakes, sweets etc but tins, cereals, food that has a long life span. I don’t like knowing I am running low on food, it actually makes me feel a bit panicky and being unable to get out to shop I do a weekly shop online and the day it is supposed to be delivered I wait in anticipation. I know I am like this through a combination of reasons, growing up poor, learning from a young age food is important and the mother providing instinct. I think it is in all of us to feel it important to provide food for our family, this is an instinct going back to caveman days. If we didn’t catch food we didn’t eat and the inevitable happened, starvation and death. God knows what I would of been like back then. I probably would be the one  killing several animals at a time and storing them in my cave, and the neighbours complaining about the smell of animals coming from it! 

It’s odd how although we are children for only a very short period of our lives, that short period can shape us for the rest of our lives. Yes, we can change our thought processes, habits, actions as an adult but the instinct that these very things we change stemed from childhood. If I wouldn’t of been poor as a child, would I still see food as important to have as I do? Would I spend spare money on it and get the feeling of satisfaction when I see my cupboards full? I very much doubt it. 

The shop has arrived so I am off to pack it away. I go with a sense of happiness and satisfaction, which sounds so sad but hey it’s the little things that count eh 🙂