SepsisΒ 

It’s been a strange and eventful few weeks. 

It started with a new niggle that was annoying more than anything, but turned out to be extremely serious.

It started as a slight pain in my left rib, under it and I thought ok, I must’ve pulled it or hurt my side without realising so I put deep heat on it and took paracetomal more often. 

It niggled for about four days, and then suddenly it became worse, and had started spasming. I had never had a spasm pain there before but, when you become chronically ill you tend to get used to spasms or aches and pains and don’t take much notice of them. So I continued to put deep heat on it and also a hot water bottle to try to ease it. 

For three days it became progressively worse, and had spread under my left breast, rib and back. Again I was more annoyed than anything, I silently started to curse my ‘stupid body’ and continue to rest, use deep heat, water bottle and re position my electric blanket so it was against my back in bed. 

It was making me totally bedbound, walking was near impossible and the pain was running through body bed limbs like lava. 

Two days later I could’ve move the top half of my body due to the severe cramps and the pain had spread into my chest. So, I decided to call the doctor for diazepam which I use when I seize and cramp badly. This was on the Wednesday, the locum was great and prescribed them but told me to call again if it didn’t ease. 

I was sure it would, and I’d actually sleep for more than the two hours a night I had been getting due to the pain and unable to move without cramping. 

But Friday, I was awake all night and the pain was horrendous. I waited until the surgery opened at 8.30 and called to talk to a dr about advice. What happened next was so unbelievleble and unexpected if I had been in front of said dr, I would’ve waged war in the room and there and then phoned the manager of the surgery. 

Her response to my explanation of widespread crippling pain, cramping, chest pain was that I need to learn to manage my health more.. Without relying on drugs. That it was probably the meds making me iller and there wasn’t much she could do and wouldn’t prescribe me anything because I’m on too much. 

At this point, I tried calmly to explain this is not normal for me, I have never had this before and I was worried, which rarely happens. That I wasn’t calling for drugs but any kind of advice and the previous dr had told me to do so if I got worse. 

She again spoke about drugs, and getting a tens machine and there wasn’t anything she could do. 

I put the phone down. 

One because I was disgusted with her ‘professional’ advice and two because at that point I was in too much pain to talk or function properly. 

I held on for two hours, crippled and in pure agony before phoning my parents to say briefly what was wrong and they called ambulance. 

My father rushed to my place and my son was home. The ambulance crew were lovely, they checked me gave me gas and air then asked if it was ok to take me to my Drs as the queue in a&e was four hours and I needed to be seen now. 

So I said yes of course, and I ended up being taken their in the ambulance. With my father and son.. 

Straight into see the dr I had spoken to that morning. 

To say she wasn’t impressed was an understatement, until she examined me and diagnosed pluersy. 

Now I had noticed purple mottling up my leg and she brushed it off and said it was temperature. Later that mottling would be important. 

But for then, I told her about it wasn’t drug related, I hadn’t wanted more pain meds and that I had cut my meds down if she actually checked my records and how was I meant to control my own health with the conditions I had? Or should I have treated my own pleurisy too? 

She was partly annoyed and partly embarrassed about it and my obvious illnesses and pleurisy. She ordered bloods to be taken and my father would take them to the hospital that night to get them checked urgently. Then prescribed my antibiotics and said she’d phone the bath pain clinic to speed up the re arrangement of my appointment as I was very in need of it.. 

I left relieved I now had a diagnosis and it would ease up in a few days and annoyed that I had to have an ambulance and taken to her when if she’d just listened that morning it could’ve all been avoided. 

I later found out when talking to the paramedic who was telling her I needed to be seen now, she asked if I had a tens machine and the paramedic who was already outraged with my story of that morning, had a go at her ridiculousness. 

So I went home, my father taking me in a taxi in my chair and got to bed hopeful to start feeling better soon. 

Saturday I felt really rough, but knew it would take a few days for the antibiotics to kick in. 

The pain and cramping in my side got worse and worse, I was up all night with it and after researching the symptoms of pleurisy,  wasn’t sure that was what I actually had because I didn’t have many of the symptoms and other symptoms I had that didn’t match. 

Through the night my chest started paining, a dull ache that spread until I was finding it hard to breathe. By the afternoon I became doubled up again in agony, pain I had never ever had that was so bad I couldn’t move, breathe, without tearing through my body and going dizzy. I couldn’t stop sweating , my temperature was burning through me. 

I’ve always said, I can handle pain I’ve been through non drug birth of my son and never thought any pain could or would be that bad again. 

I was very wrong. 

I got to the point I was just a ball of massive agonising pain, dizziness, barely breathing fetal position. 

I had to try 3 times to call my parents as by this point I kept falling in and out of reality. 

All I could get out to my father was, I’m really bad can you call the dr and put the phone down. 

Care direct called me back and I could hardly answer their questions. Within two minutes he said an ambulance is being dispatched and I just put the phone down and drifted off again. 

Within ten mins my room was full of 3 paramedics, my partner and my father. 

To me it seemed impossible for the symptoms to get worse but by the time they came, all I could feel was massive body shaking pain barely breathing and trying my to move because the moment I did, I knew the pain would tear through my side and have me pass out again. 

The paramedics thought I was having a heart attack, and put a valve straight into my arm and  injected morphine and something else into it. I’m not sure what. 

I vaguely remember my father saying ‘she doesn’t like taking strong  meds’ and I replied, “anything anything I don’t care”

The paramedics gave me three doses of morphine before the pain started to ease, I was hooked up to a heart monitor, asked how long is been like this, and asking about the dark red mottled skin all over my legs and arms. 

I was ‘stabilised’ and taken into the ambulance, oxygen up my nose, morphine still being put into me, and me saying “I’ll be ok now, it’s calmed down I can go back home and rest” 

That was not going to happen though and I was put into a&e where there were no beds so I was on the ambulance trolley in the corridor. 

The paramedics were brilliant, they really looked after me, kept apologising about the corridor and one female paramedic stroked  my hair saying “I was still pretty despite how ill I was”

I replied I think she needed to be on this trolley not me if she thought that.. 

I was in and out of awareness, the pain had eased but every so often swept through me and I was doubled up again. 

I was trying to ease my father and partners worries by trying to act ok and making a joke or two but I couldn’t keep it up so just tried to keep awake and control the symptoms as best I could. 

I was in the corridor for hours, I was 5pm ish when I went in and gone 2am when I left. 

The Drs and staff kept apologising As they had to examine me in the corridor just pulling this make shift screen around me. 

But I truly didn’t care, they were all brilliant and took care of me so well that I am so grateful and appreciate of the staff of the BRI hospital that I am mentioning the actual hospital for the first time ever in my blog. 

My father was a porter in a&e there for ten years so we both know a lot of the staff and this did make it a lot easier. I hate going in to hospital, and have avoided it at all costs of the last three years. 

But the care that was shown to me and the other patients in the corridor was so superb they deserve the recognition. In these days of our NHS upheavals and striking of Doctors, I fully support them and hope the conditions they work under are massively changed for the good. They deserve it. 

After an hour I was diagnosed with an infection in my lower left lung/pluersy and Sepsis. 

Sepsis? I had no idea what it was, let alone how I had it! 

Basically Sepsis is caused by your body’s response to an infection. The bodies immune system goes into overdrive, setting off a series of reactions including widespread inflammation, swelling and blood clotting. This can lead to a big decrease in blood pressure, which can mean the blood supply to vital organs like the brain, heart and kidneys is reduced. 

The infection in my lung was what triggered Sepsis. 

If it’s not treated quickly it can eventually lead to multiple organ failure and death. 

So it’s very serious and the symptoms can mimic a virus at first and go undetected until it develops, which happens very quickly and needs to be diagnosed and treated very quickly. 

Which is why my breathing dropped, I was so sick so quickly and the mottling of my skin I had noticed and the Doctor at the surgery had dismissed was extremely important. 

She should have, if not recognised the mottling at least of examined it and checked for causes instead of dismissing it so causaully. 

The doctor at the hospital said I was extremely lucky, another few hours and it could’ve  be been touch and go and me in icu. 

I am never ever dealing with that particular doctor at my surgery again, and I am yet to decide if I should put in a complaint to the manager at the surgery as suggested by hospital staff. 

And that’s the thing with having chronic conditions, we can often not get the medical treatment we need due to 1, us thinking it’s just our conditions playing up and 2, having ‘professionals’dismiss it as  such and putting every or any new symptom onto being chronically sick. 

I was so very lucky to have been diagnosed in hospital so quickly treated so well and given a massive dose of antibiotics and penicillin into my arm valve. 

I’m very lucky that I am still here to be telling you about this experience. 

It’s been three weeks since that hospital dash and I am still pretty sick. My other conditions decided to join in the party and on top of the sepsis and lung infection, have absolutely floored me. 

I can’t get up and go to the bathroom without it causing total exhaustion, pain, dizziness and muscle spasms. 

My body is in constant crashing mode and it could take me many many weeks to get to my usual level of wellness. Which isn’t particularly well anyway, but boy do I wish I was even that well again at the moment. Any improvement at the moment would be gratefully accepted and clung to. 
The first weeks antibiotics and penicillin didn’t clear the infections nor the second weeks I had from my doctor as it hasn’t cleared in that week. 

I had a dr visit me this week as I am still unwell and having symptoms. She thought I might have a clot on my lug so took bloods and had them sent to the hospital straight away. 

The dr called me in the evening to check on me and hand me over at 7pm to the on call dr who would phone me as soon as my results came through. It was an anxious waiting time for myself family and partner as I would’ve been taken straight to hospital. 

At 8pm the results came through and I didn’t have a clot, thank goodness! 

I had to wait until the next afternoon for the rest of the results, they showed I still had slight infections but the dr has suggested that we see if it will clear up itself before given more penicillin and antibiotics as they could actually block the infections if I’m on them for too long. 

It will take me weeks or months to get over this fully, due to my other conditions, and I need to take extra care, be cared for, do nothing that will put extra strain on my body total rest and if I feel worse or the symptoms escalate call 111 straight away. 

I will eventually be clear of the infections but I urge you to please check for Sepsis if you are showing any symptoms of it. 

Not just us with chronic illnesses but anyone who is showing symptoms of 

High temperature 

Chills and sweating 

Fast heartbeat 

Fast breathing

Feeling dizzy or faint 

Confusion or disorientation

Nausea and/or vomiting 

Diarriah 

Cold, clammy and pale or mottled skin. 

I had all of these symptoms, yet it was still missed at first. 

And I think without the massive pain that my lung infection/pluerisy was giving me, brought on more so by the sepsis, I could’ve continued to blame it on a virus or my conditions. 

So please keep in mind the Sepsis symptoms if you’re feeling unwell and anything unusual is happening aside from any other ailments you may have. Please get yourself checked out and mention Sepsis to a health professional. 

You’re not wasting their time, your time or risking waiting to see how you feel the next day incase it’s nothing. 

It’s better to be safe than sorry and be here to tell the tale of your experience, than to be unable to tell anything ever again. 

I am extremely lucky and grateful for my family and partners support and care, and friends, who though few in number, have been here for me every step of this experience. 

I am truly blessed to have such love and support in my life. 

As bad as it was and is for me right now, I am and will also be forever grateful that I am here to be able to tell you guys my story, in the hope it could help save some one else from the same experience and what warning signs to look out for. 

Take care of yourself and others

πŸ™‚ 

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Nearly Christmas!!

Happy Christmas Eve! πŸ™‚

Regular readers will know I love love love christmas! The fact it is Christmas Eve marks my behaviour incredibly festive and happy!

I am going to my parents for lunch then I’ll be home in the evening. A good friend of mine is taking me and picking me up, which I’m incredibly grateful for.
This is one of three friends I have left, who didn’t disappear when I become very unwell.
Although it upsets me that I’m unwell he goes out of his way if I need anything or to chat. I really appreciate it and although I’ve only three friends left, I know they’re true friends which means more to me than having twenty false friends.

My sons Birthday went really well, I got up really early to give him his gifts before he went to work. He expected to work until late but he had finished by 10am so he got to spend the day split between my parents, his girlfriend and me. We had a lil party tea then take away in the evening. I’m really pleased I got to see him all day on his birthday.
He turned 20 years old, which to both of us seems incredible. Him because he feels old, and me because I have no idea how the years have flown and I now have a 20 year old son!
I enjoyed every day of those years and everyone knows how proud I am of him, and how much I love him.
Being a single teenage mum was the best decision I ever made, and I cherish those years and the ones yet to come with my son.

Health wise, I’m much the same.
But I have finally recieved my neurologist appointment for 6th January!
I’m so pleased about this!
Hopefully I can finally get some answers about what is going on with my brain!
I’m still have ‘fits’ several times a day, loss of vision, memory problems and serious issues with forgetting what objects are, used for, words , mixing sentences up and inability to write properly.

I haven’t been able to speak to my doctor as she was away and then I can’t talk to her for another three weeks as she’s fully booked up.
I need to talk to her about trying a new painkiller that was suggested to me, thank you Fern :), and blood tests to check my white blood cells, muscle mass swelling and any tests to rule I’ve not developed anything else.

Four doctors are now saying they think I’ve been mis-diagnosed and I have MS, due to the severity and type of symptoms I’m developing on top of my usual ones.

I now constantly have the ‘hugging’ feeling in my chest which leaves me constantly breathless and is causing problems with my breathing and all day palpitations. I have also started falling over or bumping into things. My balance which was never great has escalated to feeling dizzy and unable to keep my balance at all.

Whatever the outcome I’m prepared for it. If it is MS then I will cope with it as best I can.
The symptoms are so close to ME that it won’t take much more alteration in my life than it already has.
Hopefully the neurologist will help to clear up this issue too.

For now, I’m happy and excited for Christmas!
Spending time with my family, my partner is going to be brilliant.
It’s not the presents, although it’s nice to recieve gifts πŸ™‚ for me it’s about spending time with my loved ones. Something that I can’t do very often now, and I appreciate the times I can more than ever.

I wish all my readers a very Happy Christmas and hope you can enjoy it as much as possible! πŸ™‚

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Flu

Apologies for my absence from everywhere, I’ve the flu and its hit me pretty badly.

I’ve been warned about catching bugs, flus as it will make my conditions go crazy.. Unfortunately both my partner and son have been ill so it was inevitable I was going to catch it. Being housebound lowers the risk of catching germs off people, but your nearest and dearest cannot dodge flu catching and once the germs are in the house then the lil mites get everyone they can.

I spent two days hardly able to move or function, I’ve had flu before but this is beyond any flu or infection I’ve experienced.
My usual aching limbs doubled in pain and burning, even my finger tips hurt. Headaches, shakes, sickness, incredible pain, my memory became worse.. Something I didn’t think possible!

I’m pretty sure I have another sinus infection or infection somewhere as I can feel my body protesting against something. That may sound odd, but I know the difference between not having one and having one. My Tempreture is constantly between 82.2 and 82.6 which is making me sweat buckets.

All in all, I am not too great at the moment and now think next year I will have the flu jab! I am against them usually, have declined one for years. But now, I know my body couldn’t cope with another bout of this flu, it’s not pretty!

I am due to have my vit D injection and smear on Friday, both I’m late for.
I’m hoping the vitamin D will give my body the boost it needs and my smear will be clear.

It’ll be difficult to get to the appointment but I’m going to have to as I’ve had some ‘womens problems’ for awhile that can no longer ignore. My friend has offered to take me which will save a lot of hassle.

I’ve been having erratic bleeding, my periods have stopped and I’m having terrible stomach aches and limping with the pain in my back and hip. My old symptoms that I haven’t had in quite awhile.

To be honest, I am concerned I have might have an infection in my womb or another cyst, I don’t like the symptoms I’m having and the loss of period. I’m definetly not pregnant, but I’ve never had my periods stop before.

My doctor has said my body is under extreme stress with being so unwell recently, that the stress of that and the mental stress could be stopping my periods. But I need a smear ASAP.
I’m keeping my fingers crossed that these are the reasons, I’d rather it be stress and depression than any form of cells, cysts or infection. I don’t think my body would cope well with the operation any of those things would need.
Fingers crossed and gypsy luck I’m ok! πŸ™‚

In better news..

My christmas tree is up!

Yes, I know it’s only October but I put it up at this time every year. And it gave me a lift and happiness I need at the moment.

My sons gf is home on half term from uni, and my son and her helped put it up and it was so great for us to do together. I dragged my fluey self downstairs and I’m glad I did. We were messing around with tinsel, joking and laughing happily as we decorated the tree. Now it’s twinkling in the front room, bringing a smile to my face each time I see it πŸ™‚

That alone is worth having our tree up. Happiness can be found in the smallest of things.. and 6ft christmas trees ;D

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Just keep swimming

Which has been my motto this week as my body has been a bit up and down symptom wise.

I am having terrible pain in my lower back which means I cant sit up without my electric blanket over cushions so the heat can help soothe the pain. I has been slowly creeping in the last few weeks and has started to be daily accompanied by the hugging sensation in my chest.
My left side is still seizing and unseizing, from a few minutes to hours to days. I find it difficult to swallow when my neck is frozen, it feels as though there is something large and flat stuck in the left side of my throat, which there obviously isn’t.
The pain has upped again too, causing my limbs to shake and spasm and the lightening like striking has decided to travel from my head, down my shoulder blades and into my spine.

I really have no idea what my body is doing or why it is doing it. I do know that I am becoming increasingly annoyed by it and also slightly worried I am going to lose the use of the top half of my body as the seizing and freezing of my limbs are happening every day, and now travelling into my right arm and side.

I don’t usually worry about my aches and pains, but I won’t lie to you or myself that I am concerned I will wake up one day and not be able to move my body at all.

It used to take me half hour to be able to start getting out of bed in the mornings, which is slowly beginning to become longer and longer time wise, up to an hour for me to be able to move properly to get out of bed.
It’s a head scratcher for sure, one which I hope will go away before I have to phone the doctor for more diazapam.

On the plus side..

My partner put together my triple wardrobe and all my clothes are organised which is a brilliant help for me. Bless him, he spent the weekend doing it, even though he went into work early Saturday morning and he has a very demanding job. It was very difficult to put together, flat packs are the worse type of furniture!
But my bedroom now looks better than it ever has, and I have wooden blinds put on at the beginning of November which will be another item that will make my symptoms easier. My windows are over 8ft long, so you can imagine how much light it creates.But the blinds will keep the room dark and the nasty sun away. My light sensitivity has become worse, so the blinds will help so much.

My bedroom is my heaven and hell, but with these new improvements it will be more heaven πŸ™‚

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MRI

My MRI went quickly and smoothly. My Father and partner came and my partner got me a coffee and a lil cake before I went into the waiting room, yum πŸ™‚

I was a tad embarrassed that the radiographer had to help me out off my wheelchair and onto the scanner table, then lift my legs to put a pillow underneath. But I guess I need to get used to that sort of thing.
The machine was really loud, despite my noise reducing earphones but apart from that and the neck spasm that jolted my head slightly during the scan all was fine.

Just a few weeks wait for the results now. I have requested to see my brain scans, and the neurologist will do so on my follow up appointment. I have a fascination of seeing it, it’s my brain and I have the right too so I am. No stamping of feet needed either.. πŸ˜‰

Home resting back in bed now. I want to make a loaf of bread today if my right hand will let me. It’s something I do every so often, I find baking very therapeutic which a lot of people are surprised by. The fact I bake, not the therapeutic bit πŸ™‚
I also feel a sense of satisfaction making food from scratch and it being eaten. I can’t bake as I used to, but I do when I can. Sitting on my perching stool and pounding dough is great free anger management πŸ˜‰ Freshly baked bread mmmm it’ll make the flat smell great too πŸ˜€

I have sorted all my hospital appointment letters, doctors and specialist diagnosis letters, ESA award, physio, home move documents etc ready for my Atos home assessment tomorrow morning between 9-11am. I really hope it goes ok, as I’ve said I’ve nothing to hide and I’m not concerned about that. Just that they believe me and my letters and be able to give me extra help.

When I move I will need a carer as my son isn’t moving with me and I wouldn’t have him caring for me in that situation. Them granting me pip will enable me to have a carer, so tomorrow’s appointment is really important for me.

Fingers crossed and gypsy luck it will all go well and I’ll my assesser will understand and believe in my conditions. I hate the fact I have to prove myself, but I can understand why I have to with all the scammers they have to deal with. Those people have put people like me in the situation of having to prove ourselves, I resent that. But it’s no good getting annoyed, it’s how things are so I just need to be myself and be honest. Two things I’m good at.. πŸ™‚

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Chronic pain strikes again

My pain is back with a vengeance.
My whole body feels as though I’ve run a 10k marathon, with the flu and being shot at along the way.

The pain meds are obviously not working. The problem is I am out of codeine as I couldn’t take it with my new pain drugs so I didn’t do a new prescription. I will ask my Father to put one in today.
I am really disappointed as I thought this kind of pain was in the past. I’m angry too, angry at my body doing this again. Angry that things were really improving and now it’s kicked in again.

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Happy and content

It’s been a lovely Sunday so far. I had a lie in, and only woke a few times in the night which is unusual.
After an hour or so and my morning handful of tablets, my partner and I finished sorting my room then played a board game.
I am amazed I can now sit long enough to play the game. Ok, I constantly shift my position and my back aches like hell but a rest on my electric blanket for a couple of hours after eases the worst of it.

I continue to feel better than I did a month ago, I can do more without being in agony which it still expect to feel. I expect this because it became part of my life, even sitting up was more than I could bear. Now I can sit up on the floor, on a cushion and not be wiped out for days afterwards.
The combination of new medication, fruit diet and stretching constantly has helped so much. The pain mess continue not to work, even now they’ve been doubled. I have to phone the pain clinic tomorrow to talk to my specialist about this, and the fact I am going to run out of them by the end of the week as they only gave me a months supply at 2 a day. Now it’s 4 they’ve rapidly gone down. I still need to phone the rheumatologist to ask about the bloods I had taken too. I’ll leave both until tomorrow.
My bed rail is also being picked up tomorrow as I can’t use it due to my bed being too high up and I would rather give it back and have someone who can use it have it. There’s no point in me hanging onto it when it can be put to use elsewhere.

I am still feeling much happier and upbeat in myself. I wake feeling happy to do so, looking forward to the day ahead. I am still losing weight, not massive amounts but slowly and gradually. For the first time in a year I have hip bones again! I was ecstatic when I not only saw them but felt them as I lay on my side in bed. I am ecstatic that the horrible bloated fat roll body I have had is slowly becoming more of a human shape again. That alone is restoring my confidence and I can wear my favourite shorts again! A month ago I tried them on but the button was two far away from the zipper to fasten together. God that was depressing, my stomach was just there, a bloated, round object that mocked me and my shorts. But I am the one mocking it now, it may have won the battle for a year but I have won the war and laugh at it’s decreased size, ha victory is mine!! ;D

My room is so much better, the light is now away from my eyes and although I’ve lost space it’s easier to get around. I have four boxes and three massive bags full of clothes and clothes stacked in my room that I need to sort through so that’s also taking up room and making it look messy. My partners dad is going to take anything I don’t need to be recycled which I really appreciate. He’s a lovely man and is someone who goes out of his way to help people, a trait my partner has too.
It’ll take awhile to sort but I’ll get there in the end, by gum I will! πŸ™‚

For now I am cuddling up to my partner, watching a film and feeling happy and at ease with life. It’s a feeling I am extremely happy to have πŸ™‚

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Room changing

Wow, this week has flown by!
It’s not due to being busy either, the days have all just gone without any rhyme or reason. Maybe it’s my age, time does seem to speed up as you get older.

I spent most of yesterday sorting my clothes out, ones to keep and others to donate. I don’t think I’ll ever be a size 6-8 anymore so I’m giving those jeans and tops to charity. I have so many clothes I do not wear/wouldn’t wear again it seems silly to store them when they could be put to use. My now everyday attire is shorts and vests , oh and slippers πŸ™‚ yup I’m a fashion icon me.. πŸ˜‰

My partner is changing the furniture in my room around today. I used to do this at least three times a year as I liked to have change, and even more so now as I spend most of my life in my room. I also get terrible headaches if the room is too light, I can’t afford to get black out curtains, my windows are 8ft across and I’ll be moving within two years so it’ll be a very expensive pointless purchase. So I have hung up old sofa throws at the windows, behind my curtains and tucked into the windows to keep them in place. It makes the natural light very minimal which keeps my headaches to a minimum so it’s a win win. But with my bed directly running along side the windows the minimum light does stream through at certain times in the day so my bed is being moved to stop this. It’ll be good to have a different lay out too, I may not be able to literally change my room but changing it around will help create a different room affect. This is good enough for me πŸ™‚

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Huggy huggy

The joy of rib and upper body squeezing is back. Feeling as though I am in a constant bear hug and my breathing feels restricted. There is

no point in phoning the doctor for help, they have no idea what it is and are waiting for all my tests to be done and my results to come through before they can do anymore. I completely understand this, and have agreed no furthur action can be made until all the facts are known. Plus the word MS will be thrown about again, the hug being an MS hug, and yes if I do have it then I will deal with it but I am not going to get into a tizz about anything or any name until I know the truth. As I said to my partner, I think the real problem is my brain has become so big through all of my intelligence that there’s no room left in my skull to keep it in. So my brain is bruised due to the pressure.. I am sure that is where the problem lies… πŸ˜‰

My mobile phone is nearly at the end of it’s life which is both sad and annoying at the same time. Sad because I will miss it in a funny sort of way, it is so easy to use, and has so many pictures etc on it I need to get them off before it totally dies. Annoying because it is constantly turning itself off, not charging or texting or calling properly anymore. I have placed an order for a new one, my first ever contract phone as I have always used pay as go due to my sim deal being so great. But alas I cannot afford to buy a new phone at the moment so I opted to go on a contract one as the phone is free. I need a mobile to be able to phone/text people when I am unwell, or at hospital/appointments. To keep in contact with my nearest and dearest so in a way it has become a necessity for me, a thought which I am not keen on but know it’s true so I may as well just admit it to myself and move on with my new mobile and the relief I can contact someone if I am unwell.

What with my huggy pain, body pain and neck seize which started coming on last night and has decided to show itself too and is slowly working its way across my shoulders I think today is going to be a long one. Thankfully my neuro aspects have calmed down in the last few week and my ‘fits’ are only four times a day now and my headaches not so constant. This is a huge improvement, and if it wasn’t for the pain I would be able to walk a lil better as my legs are not cramping as much.Β 

I know from past experience my body will eventually calm down and not be as bad as it is at the moment. At least these days I know so much more about how my body is, how to help it and know the signs. Not like when I first became unwell, I used to worry about everything that was going on and I had no idea how to help myself. That was a bad time, because instead of pacing myself and resting up I used to try to push through it then spend the next week in agony, laid in bed with only codeine and paracetamol to help. I had no idea what was wrong with me and as the symptoms escalated so did my confusion and sleepless nights trying to figure out what was wrong. Those days are long gone thankfully and I now know exactly what to do when my weird and wonderful symptoms rear their terribly ugly heads. How the pain is going to spread and to where, to completely rest when my legs are spasming and not try to walk around on legs that will simply not work. Knowing helps so much, not just me but the people around me. If I say today is a bad day, or my neck is seizing they know it’s all just part of my conditions and don’t worry so much. That to me is the most important thing of all, not worrying or making things worse for other people. The knowledge helps them to deal with it in their own way and not be scared by it.

It’s strange how illness can come into your life and you eventually accept it, just plodding along and dealing with it as you do everything else. It becomes part of you, part of not only your life but others. And the word ‘part’ is the key word, I no longer let my conditions rule my life or anyone elses. Yes, they control my body and now even mind, but I won’t let it become me, the only thing about me and my life. I will work with it, live with it, accept it but will not let it be my main 24/7 thought, I still have a life, reasons to wake up in the morning, to be thankful I wake,appreciate the life around me and look forward to the day ahead. Even if it is one of huggy, pain, seizing, I am still here, still alive, and that is the main thing, until I no longer breathe I aim to enjoy life as much as possible and be thankful that I am still part of it regardless of my conditions.

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Chocolate, Flowers and smiles

I woke yesterday to a lovely sight, two Thornton chocolate figures , a chick and a rabbit, either side of a vase of tulips. I had to put up with my partner also being in the image, but you can’t win them all… πŸ˜‰ I joke, I really am very lucky to have someone so thoughtful and kind and I really don’t know what I would do without him.
I am very lucky to have a family that support and help me too. I am rarely stuck having anything brought to me, prescriptions, electric top up, milk etc and I know I can pick up the ‘phone to my Mother and she will be there for a natter or rant. My Father is really good at lifting my spirits and I get my ‘getting on with it’ attitude from him. If you can’t change something then learn to adapt until such time that you can, that is very much installed in my brain. This has helpedΒ  me to adapt to being like this, well apart from the occasional rant Β πŸ™‚

My rib pressure is still there, I now have a temperature too but I am constantly getting that so I have no idea if it’s related or not. The left side of my neck and shoulder have also decided to seize just to put that lil more annoyance into things. I am going to have to ‘phone the doctor tomorrow if it’s still there, the rib pressure as it’s going into my back and hips. The joy of chronic conditions eh.

The OT is coming round on Thursday and I need to tidy up the flat, but there is no way I can today. Moving is making my rib pressure worst but I can’t stand the mess my room is in. I will have to ask for help to tidy and clean it, which I do hate doing. I don’t want someone having to do that for me, hence why I refused home help as we get by well enough and I wouldn’t feel comfortable with someone I don’t know in my home. This is a personal thing, I think carers do a brilliant job and help so many people, theyre a god send in so many ways. And I expect eventually I will have to have them, but for now I will manage without.

My partners brother and his girlfriend popped in for a lil while before going to a family Easter lunch at their parents. I couldn’t go but it was nice to chat with them. I have never met his brothers girlfriend before, but she was lovely. They’re a good couple and I like them both. We are planning to do a film and take a way night soon which I’m looking forward to. I appreciated the suggestion, as I can’t go out they suggested coming here and all spending time together. It was a really thoughtful idea and I look forward to spending more time with them. Plus the local chippy is gorgeous so good company, films and a pig out on lots of food sounds perfect to me. Stuff the careful eating for that night, it’s all for a good cause after all… πŸ˜‰

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