Puppy magic

So, my sons pup is now part of our family! 

My son had to pick him up earlier than expected as the trainer got very nervous that he would let him down as another customer had done. 

As you can imagine, picking him up a week early meant the home hadn’t been puppy proofed and we still had items to buy. 

But, after much rushing, tidying, sorting it was done and the amount I love the lil guy already is ridiculous! 

He is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen in my life, he looks like a stuffed toy lol even my a father said, he looks too perfect to be real! 

He has been named Diago and the names suits him perfectly. 

He is beautifully behaved, apart from nipping a lil too much. But that will easily be sorted through giving him a toy to chew instead of you, and as soon as he’s old enough be taken to puppy training classes. 

He also hardly slept for the first four days, missing his mother and siblings, plus in a new place. He doesn’t bark, he howls! Just like a wolf :,) 

I’ve heard many people over the years say how therapeutic having a pet can be, and now I understand exactly what they mean. His lil face makes me smile, his running around being daft makes me laugh and cuddling/smoothing him makes me happy. 

It’s a great distraction from pain and symptoms, his antics put them to the back of my mind. 

Even yesterday when I had my eye hospital appointment and I was left with a blinding headache and almost total loss of my left eye vision, coming home and having him run up to me made me stupidly happy 🙂 

I had the exact same eye test as I had at the hospital in January, flashlights at you and you press a button on a switch when you see a light. My left eye went almost straight away, and the nurse couldnt focus the eye glass properly because of it. The headache was horrendous, and I’m pleased I was wearing my sunglasses that day because I really needed them after! 

They’re sending the results to whomever requested the test and I’ll hear back in a few weeks if I need to be seen again. I have a doctors appointment next week though so I’ll try to get any results back then. 

Generally I am still feeling much better. I am spending more time downstairs on the sofa, still sitting or led but it’s a darn sight better than being in bed all day. I’m really happy about it 🙂 

My walking is getting better, I’m making myself walk around the home everyday to try to strengthen my legs and body. It’s hard work and very painful but I’m determined to not let my legs keep withering. 

I’m happier in myself, things in my life are calming down a lil, the puppy bringing much amusement and my better health are hugely impacting on my mood. I was even singing the other day! Something I do when I’m happy and I’ve not done in a very long time. 

All in all I’m feeling pretty good, and hoping this will only continue 🙂 

Here’s a pic of Diago  acting innocent after chewing a blanket :,) 

 

Aftermath

Christmas was beautiful 🙂

Spending Christmas Eve and Christmas Day until 4pm at my parents was so lovely.
It’s very rare I spend that much time with them, it’s been a year since I stayed at theirs.

I had to go to bed quite a few times to rest as I can’t sit up for long anymore, but I finally got to use the special electric bed and boy was it comfy!!

It folds up how you want it and yes I did play around with it, amusing myself by using the controls to lift the bottom then the top in lots of different heights.. I’m such a child sometimes :,)

I was a bit sad that I had to lay in the bedroom by myself while everyone was downstairs watching films, chatting etc.. But at least is made it to my parents and enjoyed as much time as possible with them.

I was very spoiled gift wise, by all my family and my partner. He got me a huuuuge teddy bear! It’s 3ft and is a substitute for when my partner isn’t here… I named him Bob and he is currently laid next to me in bed keeping me company while I occasionally take pics of him eating, wearing hats.. Yes I think I really do have neurological problems.. hehe 😉

I am knackered now though, my body is exhausted and paining badly.
I knew I would be dealing with this, doing so much to-ing and throughing plus extra exertion was bound to put pressure on my body as it’s not used to it.

I was dreaming last night that it was high summer around ten years ago. I was in the park with my son, Mum and Sister which is something that was very common back then.

The park is huge, it has a small football pitch, tennis courts, (that I once played tennis in) assault course, two basketball pitches, two child play areas a school, (the primary school I and my son went to) and still acres of empty park to run around, picnic in. It was this park I myself played in as a kid.

Well, I was dreaming about a summer long ago. Having a picnic under our usual tree, playing football and basketball with my son and sister then booking a tennis session for the next day.

The dream was so wonderful, the sun was shining, we were all so happy, so carefree, I was making daisy chains and putting them on my head as I watched my son kicking the ball around and waiting until it was my turn in goal.

I swear I could feel the sun on me and hear the bees buzzing around, it was that vivid.

I felt the dream start to flicker away, I could feel pains in my back and legs start to intrude into the dream. I was half asleep and half awake, trying to hold onto the dream when I moved my leg in reality which jerked my hip and back into massive spasm and myself into full wakefulness..

And I burst into tears.

Not through the pain, or discomfort but from the dream that I was so happy in and the knowledge I will never enjoy simple days like that again.

I laid in ball trying to massage the spasm out of my back and push my leg into the bed in the hope the pressure would ease the pain and I cried like a child.

Reality against my dream was such a huge difference, which is unusual because these days I tend to dream I’m disabled, it’s now very rare that I dream I’m well and able bodied.
I’m not sure if this happens to other people, that in their dreams they are well or not.

This time it overwhelmed me.
I was crying for the past, the happiness, the ‘well’ me. The knowledge I’ll never be well enough to sit in the park, play tennis, football, sports, walk the breadth of it again. Never move without pain, spasm or limb locking.
Never be as I once was.
The simplicity that was in sharp contrast to the situation I woke to, in rigid pain and body spasm.

I calmed down after awhile but it took some time to lift the horrible feelings of despair. Feelings of loss and how my life and health is now.

It’s unusual I feel like this nowadays, I’ve come to accept as much as I’m able to how my life and body is now. This dream triggered such sadness in me though, and waking feeling like hell was just the icing on the cake.

This last year has been the most difficult of my life, and I don’t say that lightly. My life has never been rose filled or easy, but this year it’s been a roller coaster of ill health, acceptance, self preservation, sadness, despair, hope and hopelessness.

Yet I end the year grateful for all that I have, which overrides what I do not have. Grateful for the people I have in my life, that I can to an extent enjoy life in a simpler but a more appreciative way.

I have no idea what 2015 will bring, and I really don’t want to know. I am safe in the knowledge that I am still here after a very difficult 2014, and if I can achieve that then I’ll be able to get through 2015 🙂

Happy New Year to all my readers.
I wish you a happy, healthier and easier 2015!!
XxxX

Chronic pain strikes again

I have no idea what happened to today’s blog, it only uploaded the first part of it! Grrrr

My chronic pain is back with avengence, but I’m hoping it’s a short lived thing. I can only take oramorph and paracetamol in between new pain meds and even though my pain meds have been tripled in dose I’m still in massive pain. Fingers crossed it’ll ease off.

I had a plumber come today, my toilet wasn’t flushing properly which was yucky. I took the top off the cistern and saw I needed a new ball cock (tee hee) in the past I would’ve fixed it myself but I no longer have the energy or ability to pop to the shop for supplies. The plumber was nice enough and fixed it within minutes, so my toilet now flushes better than ever. Relief 🙂

It’s my partner and I 1 year anniversary on Monday. We are planning a trip to the zoo which I am really excited about! I am hoping that I can go, it’ll be the first major outing for me in neatly 2 years. I’ll dose myself up with painkillers and bring my aides and other bits to make the day easier in my body.
I want to roar at the lions oooh oooh at the monkeys and go into the bat sanctuary and have them fly around me. I am going to do my best to get there!

It is my longest proper relationship and although it’s been difficult at times we’ve got through it and are stronger than ever. I became really unwell within two months of us being together which would impact on any relationship. I was willing to let him go, I said I wouldn’t hold it against him if he did and I didn’t want to put my stuff onto him. He refused and has been there every step of the way. There is a six year age difference between us, he’s younger but it’s not an issue at all as we are very mentally connected and he is very wise. He tells me every day he loves me, how beautiful I am and I know they’re not just words. He is the guy in movies you watch that are loving, supportive, kind, always there and you never believe that kind of man exists. But he does, and I love him more than I could describe, I appreciate him and he is my equal in every way. I am an incredibly lucky lady.

I aim to make some bracelets later on if my pain decreases, I have so many beads, silver accessories and chains that my partner bought I could make around 50 with them. I also have neckelace items which I am to make, I love silver! It’s favourite colour next to black. I will post pictures if I do make them and would appreciate honest opinions 🙂

Chronic pain strikes again

My pain is back with a vengeance.
My whole body feels as though I’ve run a 10k marathon, with the flu and being shot at along the way.

The pain meds are obviously not working. The problem is I am out of codeine as I couldn’t take it with my new pain drugs so I didn’t do a new prescription. I will ask my Father to put one in today.
I am really disappointed as I thought this kind of pain was in the past. I’m angry too, angry at my body doing this again. Angry that things were really improving and now it’s kicked in again.

The week begins

Have I mentioned how much I hate the heat? Yes? Well I haaate it so much! It’s so humid! Now I can handle the weather but the humidity is horrible it’s making my chest tight. There is no air,..ok that’s a bit of a silly statement as obviously there’s air or none of us would be alive. But it seems as though there isn’t any and I am just in a constant state of sweaty, damp and sticky hair and body which feels disgusting. It’s as though im a sauna, maybe I should get that body wrap that you wear in saunas and takes inches off you. In weight not height as I can’t afford to lose height. I’m a respectable 5ft 5 and a quarter inches.. And that quarter inch counts alot! Doctors etc laugh when I add the quarter but find it’s true when they measure me and I make sure they write the quarter down. Most people assume I’m taller as I look taller but nope my height is deceiving, probably because I have long legs that hide my squat upper half. Seriously, my belly button is nearer my bosom than should be medically possible. I’m so out of proportion, as though someone pulled my legs and squashed my body at the same time after I was born. It was the 80s after all, a lot of strange things happened so it’s possible it could be true.. 😉

I am resting up now for the rest of the day. I’ve done some tidying and am now knackerd so I will not push myself to the point of pain exhaustion. My new meds make me very tired all day and a bit out of it. It takes me until mid afternoon to feel with it. But the trade off of no leg locking and less pain is more than worth this side effect. It’s a teeny weeny blip that I can easily deal with.

I start my new pain meds tonight, apparently they’re very strong and I can’t take my codeine with them which I don’t mind at all as they don’t work anymore. They’re slow release, much like the morphine tablets and I’m really hoping they help. Seeing as my pain specialtist has only given them to four other people and they can only be prescribed from the hospital pharmacy I have a feeling they are not only strong but effective. At this point I am willing to try anything that has a chance of working and helping me live a life not just an existence of pain, debilitating symptoms and darkness. Life is looking up, and I hope it continues to proceed that way. I have a feeling it will, and my gypsy instincts are rarely wrong 🙂

Sleep waking

I hate the term CFS as many of you know, it’s a name coined by american doctors and banded about causing misconception and mis diagnosis of the realities of the true M.E condition. M.E means inflammation of the brain and spinal cord, not simple chronic fatigue. But you do experience extreme tiredness with M.E and this is a problem. Added onto that Fibromyalgia also causes extreme tiredness, having the two conditions and both extreme tiredness symptoms is, to put it in a nutshell, awful. It’s exhaustion that never goes, you go to bed tired and wake more so, which is on the outside prospective rather ridiculous. How can you sleep for 12 hours and wake more tired than when you went to bed. But trust me, and millions of sufferers, it is true. If you’ve ever been so tired that your body aches, head hurts, you cannot think straight and you feel as though you are walking in wet sand then you go to bed and sleep and in the morning it has all gone and you feel refreshed and better right? Well, when you have M.E or Fibro or both, you go to bed and wake up feeling exactly the same and each day is a constant replay of it, groundhog day with no respite. I constantly go to bed, close my eyes and I wake and feel as though I have literally just closed my eyes and it’s morning. It feels like seconds, no matter how long I have actually slept for, I never feel as though I have slept at all and add painsomnia on top of that and it is and has become a waking nightmare.

Sleep has become the one major thing I yearn for. Well, feeling like I have slept and waking refreshed. I can honestly say, I put my craving for sleep higher than I do want to ease any other symptom, which may sound crazy. But I could handle the pain, the muscle locking, spasms, neuro problems, shakes, numbness if it meant I could sleep and wake feeling refreshed. I would put sleeping above my wanting the other symptoms to get better, because sleep is the bodys way of healing and of healing the mind too yet I never feel this is happening because of the way I feel constantly exhausted. It’s as though I am sleep waking, which I coined one morning as I woke once again in total agony and tiredness. It is as though you are sleepwalking all day but you’re awake. By the way, if I see that phrase used on the internet by others, then I will want my Trade Mark recognition o.k! 😉

Today in England it is Bank Holiday Monday, May day to be precise. Many many people are happy for the long weekend they have because of this, but as I no longer work it is just another day blending into all the others. But it does stir up memories of dancing around a huge Maypole in school when I was a child. Each child was called into the dancing, given a very long piece of satin and joined in the dancing around, singing and wrapping the satin ribbon around as you went. When you had successfully managed to wrap your entire ribbon around the maypole you grabbed another piece and handed it to the next person called in. The highest of excitement was being called in twice to wrap ribbon, and I remember doing this on several occassions and feeling so important and happy to be doing it twice. I can still feel the pleasure it gave me, the feeling of importance, responsibility and fun. There will be no dancing of any kind or any maypole today, but the memories of that time and May Day will always give me happiness. For me May Day will always be a day I catch myself smiling thinking about the times many years ago the simple act of being given a second ‘go’ at the Maypole made a chubby, uncertain, not very popular young girl feel so very important and happy.