Aftermath

Christmas was beautiful 🙂

Spending Christmas Eve and Christmas Day until 4pm at my parents was so lovely.
It’s very rare I spend that much time with them, it’s been a year since I stayed at theirs.

I had to go to bed quite a few times to rest as I can’t sit up for long anymore, but I finally got to use the special electric bed and boy was it comfy!!

It folds up how you want it and yes I did play around with it, amusing myself by using the controls to lift the bottom then the top in lots of different heights.. I’m such a child sometimes :,)

I was a bit sad that I had to lay in the bedroom by myself while everyone was downstairs watching films, chatting etc.. But at least is made it to my parents and enjoyed as much time as possible with them.

I was very spoiled gift wise, by all my family and my partner. He got me a huuuuge teddy bear! It’s 3ft and is a substitute for when my partner isn’t here… I named him Bob and he is currently laid next to me in bed keeping me company while I occasionally take pics of him eating, wearing hats.. Yes I think I really do have neurological problems.. hehe 😉

I am knackered now though, my body is exhausted and paining badly.
I knew I would be dealing with this, doing so much to-ing and throughing plus extra exertion was bound to put pressure on my body as it’s not used to it.

I was dreaming last night that it was high summer around ten years ago. I was in the park with my son, Mum and Sister which is something that was very common back then.

The park is huge, it has a small football pitch, tennis courts, (that I once played tennis in) assault course, two basketball pitches, two child play areas a school, (the primary school I and my son went to) and still acres of empty park to run around, picnic in. It was this park I myself played in as a kid.

Well, I was dreaming about a summer long ago. Having a picnic under our usual tree, playing football and basketball with my son and sister then booking a tennis session for the next day.

The dream was so wonderful, the sun was shining, we were all so happy, so carefree, I was making daisy chains and putting them on my head as I watched my son kicking the ball around and waiting until it was my turn in goal.

I swear I could feel the sun on me and hear the bees buzzing around, it was that vivid.

I felt the dream start to flicker away, I could feel pains in my back and legs start to intrude into the dream. I was half asleep and half awake, trying to hold onto the dream when I moved my leg in reality which jerked my hip and back into massive spasm and myself into full wakefulness..

And I burst into tears.

Not through the pain, or discomfort but from the dream that I was so happy in and the knowledge I will never enjoy simple days like that again.

I laid in ball trying to massage the spasm out of my back and push my leg into the bed in the hope the pressure would ease the pain and I cried like a child.

Reality against my dream was such a huge difference, which is unusual because these days I tend to dream I’m disabled, it’s now very rare that I dream I’m well and able bodied.
I’m not sure if this happens to other people, that in their dreams they are well or not.

This time it overwhelmed me.
I was crying for the past, the happiness, the ‘well’ me. The knowledge I’ll never be well enough to sit in the park, play tennis, football, sports, walk the breadth of it again. Never move without pain, spasm or limb locking.
Never be as I once was.
The simplicity that was in sharp contrast to the situation I woke to, in rigid pain and body spasm.

I calmed down after awhile but it took some time to lift the horrible feelings of despair. Feelings of loss and how my life and health is now.

It’s unusual I feel like this nowadays, I’ve come to accept as much as I’m able to how my life and body is now. This dream triggered such sadness in me though, and waking feeling like hell was just the icing on the cake.

This last year has been the most difficult of my life, and I don’t say that lightly. My life has never been rose filled or easy, but this year it’s been a roller coaster of ill health, acceptance, self preservation, sadness, despair, hope and hopelessness.

Yet I end the year grateful for all that I have, which overrides what I do not have. Grateful for the people I have in my life, that I can to an extent enjoy life in a simpler but a more appreciative way.

I have no idea what 2015 will bring, and I really don’t want to know. I am safe in the knowledge that I am still here after a very difficult 2014, and if I can achieve that then I’ll be able to get through 2015 🙂

Happy New Year to all my readers.
I wish you a happy, healthier and easier 2015!!
XxxX

All about… me :)

For another change I thought I would talk about and show pics of me from my past.

I haven’t really given much background on myself, snippets here and there but the older I get the more I look back, I think being unwell makes you look back more often too.

I am the fifth of six children, all from the same parents no step. I have four older brothers and a sister 17 months younger than me.

Along with my parents, and the several dogs we had over the years it was a very manic, no personal space, boisterous, noisy but happy home.
Luckily we had a three story house and 100ft garden, where my parents and sister still live, so we had room to play, fight, move about without it being too crowded.

Having four older brothers did create a lot of teasing, jokes, being dared to watch scary films etc.. which I think moulded my character a lot. The traits of standing my ground, not easily scared, my humour, the standing up for myself and others.
I didn’t grow up very girly, I played football, cricket, made dens, but I still had Barbie dolls and have a memory of washing my dollies clothes and hanging them on our washing line as my Mum hung our washing.

We were not rich, or well off. We never had spare money and were lucky to have enough money to pay the bills. We grew up with no central heating, we relied on three coal fires and in a three story house you can imagine how un practical that was. In the winter it was freezing, and I mean so cold you could see your breath when in bed.

I have so many happy memories though, toasting bread in front of the fire, laying against our much loved and still missed dog Kano as I read and wrote stories. Playing cards, star wars figure games with my brothers. Playing practical jokes on each other, being teased but always knowing my brothers would and did fiercely protect us.

The one thing we always had was food. My Mum is the kind of woman who will not let you leave her home without haven eaten something or taken food with you. God knows how she managed this with so many mouths to feed, I know she went hungry many times so there would be enough food for us children.

This resulting in me being tubby.. well overweight as a child.

I matured at a very young age, physically as well as mentally. I was not a pretty child, I had big front teeth, wore glasses, was tubby, clumsy and wore baggy clothes to try to hide my chubbiness and maturing body.
This is me at 7 years old…

It took having my son to lose weight, which is unusual. I was 12 stone before pregnancy, 14 half stone after pregnancy and within six months was 9 stone, which over two years became 7 stone which was way too thin.
This is me at 15 on my sons 1st Birthday

From having my son, I changed my life around. I was a little wild before hand, never in school, hanging around with older and wrong people. I have no doubt I would not be here today if it wasn’t for having my son, I was on a slippery slope that could of only ended badly for me.

At 15 I was a Mum, working as a cleaner, in school and college. They have a brilliant school for young mothers in Bristol, where you take your children with you as you study. I have recently looked it up and it now offers 6th form and university level courses. I haven’t visited for a few years and kept meaning too, but the last two years have made me unable to do so. I plan to get in contact with the headteacher soon though. She is an amazing woman who campaigns for young mums and help any of us she can.

Some of my best years were spent in that school, I still miss those days more than I ever thought I would so many years later.

As regular readers know I suffer from Endometriosis too, the last 8 years of my life have been blighted by illness. I was not as bad then as now, and still had the silly side I do now which has helped me through a lot.
Dressed as Miss Christmas 3 years ago

So that is a little bit of my early life I wanted to share with you. I hope it didn’t bore you too much 😉
All of us that are unwell, have long term illnesses, short term, any illness that impacts on us had a different life before we became unwell.

For the people who only see us as we are now, sick, stick walking, wheelchair using bed and home bound need to realise this. That we are people, just like them. We were children, teenagers, adults. With all the past, memories, feelings families, experiences that well people had and have.

We are people, not a diagnosis.