Aftermath

Christmas was beautiful 🙂

Spending Christmas Eve and Christmas Day until 4pm at my parents was so lovely.
It’s very rare I spend that much time with them, it’s been a year since I stayed at theirs.

I had to go to bed quite a few times to rest as I can’t sit up for long anymore, but I finally got to use the special electric bed and boy was it comfy!!

It folds up how you want it and yes I did play around with it, amusing myself by using the controls to lift the bottom then the top in lots of different heights.. I’m such a child sometimes :,)

I was a bit sad that I had to lay in the bedroom by myself while everyone was downstairs watching films, chatting etc.. But at least is made it to my parents and enjoyed as much time as possible with them.

I was very spoiled gift wise, by all my family and my partner. He got me a huuuuge teddy bear! It’s 3ft and is a substitute for when my partner isn’t here… I named him Bob and he is currently laid next to me in bed keeping me company while I occasionally take pics of him eating, wearing hats.. Yes I think I really do have neurological problems.. hehe 😉

I am knackered now though, my body is exhausted and paining badly.
I knew I would be dealing with this, doing so much to-ing and throughing plus extra exertion was bound to put pressure on my body as it’s not used to it.

I was dreaming last night that it was high summer around ten years ago. I was in the park with my son, Mum and Sister which is something that was very common back then.

The park is huge, it has a small football pitch, tennis courts, (that I once played tennis in) assault course, two basketball pitches, two child play areas a school, (the primary school I and my son went to) and still acres of empty park to run around, picnic in. It was this park I myself played in as a kid.

Well, I was dreaming about a summer long ago. Having a picnic under our usual tree, playing football and basketball with my son and sister then booking a tennis session for the next day.

The dream was so wonderful, the sun was shining, we were all so happy, so carefree, I was making daisy chains and putting them on my head as I watched my son kicking the ball around and waiting until it was my turn in goal.

I swear I could feel the sun on me and hear the bees buzzing around, it was that vivid.

I felt the dream start to flicker away, I could feel pains in my back and legs start to intrude into the dream. I was half asleep and half awake, trying to hold onto the dream when I moved my leg in reality which jerked my hip and back into massive spasm and myself into full wakefulness..

And I burst into tears.

Not through the pain, or discomfort but from the dream that I was so happy in and the knowledge I will never enjoy simple days like that again.

I laid in ball trying to massage the spasm out of my back and push my leg into the bed in the hope the pressure would ease the pain and I cried like a child.

Reality against my dream was such a huge difference, which is unusual because these days I tend to dream I’m disabled, it’s now very rare that I dream I’m well and able bodied.
I’m not sure if this happens to other people, that in their dreams they are well or not.

This time it overwhelmed me.
I was crying for the past, the happiness, the ‘well’ me. The knowledge I’ll never be well enough to sit in the park, play tennis, football, sports, walk the breadth of it again. Never move without pain, spasm or limb locking.
Never be as I once was.
The simplicity that was in sharp contrast to the situation I woke to, in rigid pain and body spasm.

I calmed down after awhile but it took some time to lift the horrible feelings of despair. Feelings of loss and how my life and health is now.

It’s unusual I feel like this nowadays, I’ve come to accept as much as I’m able to how my life and body is now. This dream triggered such sadness in me though, and waking feeling like hell was just the icing on the cake.

This last year has been the most difficult of my life, and I don’t say that lightly. My life has never been rose filled or easy, but this year it’s been a roller coaster of ill health, acceptance, self preservation, sadness, despair, hope and hopelessness.

Yet I end the year grateful for all that I have, which overrides what I do not have. Grateful for the people I have in my life, that I can to an extent enjoy life in a simpler but a more appreciative way.

I have no idea what 2015 will bring, and I really don’t want to know. I am safe in the knowledge that I am still here after a very difficult 2014, and if I can achieve that then I’ll be able to get through 2015 🙂

Happy New Year to all my readers.
I wish you a happy, healthier and easier 2015!!
XxxX

The park

Big news today, I went outside! To the park! 

Yes, it may well be a sign of the Apocolipse but I do not mind. I have mentioned how I have been feeling a bit better in the last two weeks since starting my new meds plus doing stretching everyday and a diet of fresh food and no junk food. All three combined have had a positive impact and I felt I wanted to try to go out and as there is a park literally up the road I decided on that. Half an hour later my partner and I were sat in the park, under a huge tree with the sun streaming through it and feeling beyond happy and amazed. It was and still is surreal, me sat in the park! Words cannot describe how good it felt to feel the sun on me, be outside and see the world around me. This may just be a good period as it’s known in the chronic world, but seeing as I have not had a good period at all since I become unwell, just a constant state of deterioration I don’t care. I was in a lot of pain when I got back, and had to rest up for the evening but still, it’s a massive step forward and one I hope to be able to repeat in the future. 

I also think the heat is helping me. Since the weather has become hotter my limbs have liked it, I myself hate the heat but my body responds well to it as the constant use of my electric blanket shows. I am not saying I have made a miraculous recovery, I am far beyond that but certain factors together do seem to be helping and for that I am extremely thankful and aim to enjoy it for as long as I can.

I am in a very happy, chirpy mood today and have been for awhile. I feel happier, more fun loving, not so down and dark as I recently was. It really shows too, my Mum, Dad, friend and partner have all said I seem so much happier, more like my old before illness self. I am joking about, playing lil jokes on people and laughing and smiling a lot more. I feel happier too, I am not acting happy as I have done so often in the past. My improved mood is genuine, I wake ready to face the day no matter how badly I hurt or feel I want to see what is in store for that day and not dread it as I had been doing a lil while back. This changed mood is due to a combination of things ; feeling better, stronger, doing a lot of thinking when I had a really bad patch a couple of weeks back, realising that I needed to make changes in myself as well as my life, tests that will solve a lot of uncertainty and looking after myself more. I am working hard on keeping positive no matter what crops up and I feel I am doing this genuinely not pretending to make people not worry about me. Of course my nearest and dearest will always worry to an extent, as I do about them when things happen, it’s unavoidable. But I hope the worry will be at a minimum with the recent changes and that for me will be the most important thing of all.