Hearing and seeing the world enjoy the weather

Hmmm, well this post may be a lil different than usual but I need to get it off my chest and know that most people with chronic condition/s will understand.

Summer is upon us. Here in England it has been scorching for a couple of weeks. All I have heard and seen via social media, outside and from talking with people how hot it is and how they love/hate it. There’s a huge diversity between the love and hate, yet they have no choice but to go out in it.

This is the first summer I have been fully unwell and housebound, and I am finding it a bit difficult.
I want to be outside in the sun, not directly in it but to go to the harbour side, sit outside a pub, meet family, friends go out with them and enjoy the long days and get a lil tan. But obviously it’s no longer an option and I have to say I am sick of hearing how others are doing all I want to yet complaining about it.

Does that sound harsh? Yes, maybe but it’s true. It’s not so bad in the winter, no one is out, there are no fetes in the park across the road, none of your friends meeting to sit watching the boats, world go by, no music festivals in the park, no outside unless you’re hurrying to a destination to get inside into the warm. But this total isolation indoors has been very difficult for me, and I didn’t expect it to be.

I’ve never liked the heat and was always complaining about the scorching weather, having to be here, there, everywhere in it all the time.
Now I wish I had the option. I wish I could complain about it, be searing hot, but be outside none the less. For the first time in many months the urge to walk, be outside has been overwhelming and I have felt myself become down about the whole thing, despite my usual resilience to unhappy thoughts and feelings.
It’s really difficult to see people via pictures, statuses not only enjoying themselves but their lives. To be at the beach, the park . Even just walking, something that is becoming more impossible for me to do. I want to feel the sun on my skin, my body as I walk, i want to be able to go out by myself and not have someone push me.. To be alone and sit and watch the world go by as I used to. To sit under a tree and read a book as I used to. To go anywhere alone, to be free and feel the freedom of walking.

I have been very unwell for the last week, and at times I haven’t been aware of what time, day it was just getting up to take my meds, eat and gratefully fall back into a fitful but mostly pain free sleep. I have welcomed sleep this week, it isn’t as painful as being awake, moving, trying to think clearly which I haven’t been able to do much of.

I woke yesterday with the clearest head I have had in a couple of weeks and felt I was turning a corner. For a few hours I didn’t feel the exhaustion of my body, the pain was bearable and I felt optimistic. Then by 1pm it kicked in again, the mind numbing, body paining every cm of my body feeling as though I was slowly but surely crumbling from the inside out. I took all the pain, muscle meds I allow myself in the afternoon and gladly crawled into bed and shut my eyes, happy to shut everything out and fall into blissful, undemanding sleep until the evening.

I am very pleased that my head is clearer, even if my body is still being annoying.
It’s very difficult to talk about how crappy I am feeling about the inability to go out. I don’t want to make my nearest and dearest feeling bad or defensive that they have the option. It’s not that at all. I’m glad they can go out, I wouldn’t want anyone to feel as though they couldn’t in case it upset me. It doesn’t upset me at all. It’s my own inability that is making me feel crappy about it, that I feel very isolated and as though I haven’t adjusted to the summer as well as I thought I would.

I am very surprised at how I feel, I thought I was past all that. The being mostly housebound was something I had accepted. And it is, but the recent weeks of sun and only being able to watch others being out in it, or told about it has been very difficult for me. And knowing that this is probably how it’s going to be for the rest of my life, the non summer activities, is something I am going to need to accept. And I have no doubt I will, but everything takes time and by next summer I will have hopefully adjusted.

The park

Big news today, I went outside! To the park! 

Yes, it may well be a sign of the Apocolipse but I do not mind. I have mentioned how I have been feeling a bit better in the last two weeks since starting my new meds plus doing stretching everyday and a diet of fresh food and no junk food. All three combined have had a positive impact and I felt I wanted to try to go out and as there is a park literally up the road I decided on that. Half an hour later my partner and I were sat in the park, under a huge tree with the sun streaming through it and feeling beyond happy and amazed. It was and still is surreal, me sat in the park! Words cannot describe how good it felt to feel the sun on me, be outside and see the world around me. This may just be a good period as it’s known in the chronic world, but seeing as I have not had a good period at all since I become unwell, just a constant state of deterioration I don’t care. I was in a lot of pain when I got back, and had to rest up for the evening but still, it’s a massive step forward and one I hope to be able to repeat in the future. 

I also think the heat is helping me. Since the weather has become hotter my limbs have liked it, I myself hate the heat but my body responds well to it as the constant use of my electric blanket shows. I am not saying I have made a miraculous recovery, I am far beyond that but certain factors together do seem to be helping and for that I am extremely thankful and aim to enjoy it for as long as I can.

I am in a very happy, chirpy mood today and have been for awhile. I feel happier, more fun loving, not so down and dark as I recently was. It really shows too, my Mum, Dad, friend and partner have all said I seem so much happier, more like my old before illness self. I am joking about, playing lil jokes on people and laughing and smiling a lot more. I feel happier too, I am not acting happy as I have done so often in the past. My improved mood is genuine, I wake ready to face the day no matter how badly I hurt or feel I want to see what is in store for that day and not dread it as I had been doing a lil while back. This changed mood is due to a combination of things ; feeling better, stronger, doing a lot of thinking when I had a really bad patch a couple of weeks back, realising that I needed to make changes in myself as well as my life, tests that will solve a lot of uncertainty and looking after myself more. I am working hard on keeping positive no matter what crops up and I feel I am doing this genuinely not pretending to make people not worry about me. Of course my nearest and dearest will always worry to an extent, as I do about them when things happen, it’s unavoidable. But I hope the worry will be at a minimum with the recent changes and that for me will be the most important thing of all. 

 

 

 

Sleepy so sleeeepy

Well, last night was a strange one. My partner and I decided to watch a film we have been meaning to watch for ages. Half way through we both fell asleep, at 6pm then both woke at 10pm. We were awake for about half hour before falling asleep until this morning! This is unheard of for us both, me because I hardly sleep and him because he’s never been one for sleeping like that! He has been working incredibly hard and long hours recently, well for ages and im glad he slept and felt better for it. Me, well yup I’m still tired! Aha.. Ita crazy to think I can sleep that long and still not feel as though I slept. Darn you ME and your unrefreshing sleep!!

Not much planned for today, I managed to whack my leg on the slide under mattresses table last night, hence why we both woke at 10pm as the noise and me nearly falling out of bed woke him. He caught me before I fell though, thank Goddess! Great reflexes! My leg is paining badly today, cor it’s always something isn’t it!

I aim to continue to rest today. I am getting a little fed up to be honest. It’s a beautiful day here in Brizzle and already I can hear ppeople starting to enjoy the day. Not that I begrudge them, far from it, I just kinda wish I could get out if bed and do something in the sun. But alas, there’s no chance of that. One part of me is glad to be resting up, another knows I need too but the last part is niggling me about the sun and what I am potentially missing out on. It’s really annoying and I think I will try and shut it up with fruit.. Yup not chocolate as I am now eating fruit as a snack instead. Two reasons for this, firstly I seriously need to get some good food into me daily, secondly I have been seriously constipated for months and look as though I am five months pregnant. I kid you not, my stomach is swollen and painful. I have eaten fruit every day for over a week and it is helping, instead of going once every four-five days I have gone every other day. Now that’s progress! Sorry for the poo talk, if you’re quesy about that sort of thing.. Just staying honest 🙂

I am to finish a programme I have been watching on and off for a year. Today I am going to have a marathon tv show watch and finish it. I will be sad when I do, it’s like you lose something and miss it when a programme ends. Sad, strange but true.. You get attached to the characters and don’t want to see them go. I watch no tv, only American shows on lappy, I stopped watching mainstream tv programmes years ago, plusvthe news and stopped reading newspapers. The news is so depressing, I refuse to subject myself to it and instead if I want to know about what’s going on I look up about it on the net. That way I don’t get bombarded with the depressing stuff. Until they invent happy news I will not be tuning in!
🙂