Dumb numb brain

My health is still on a better keel, it’s been four days which to me is like a year! It feels good to have my body co ordinating together more instead of my limbs doing their own thing. 

My brain though.. Well, I have no idea what is happening in that teeny thing 😉 

Seriously though, it is one of my worse symptoms, the neuro damage that has and is still damaging it. 

I feel as though my IQ has dropped to the lowest points, and I cannot think clearly at all. 

My memory is shot, I am starting to forget things in the evening I have said/done in the morning or afternoon. 

I’m still forgetting what objects are or what they’re used for. I couldn’t for the life of me remember how to make a cup of tea yesterday. I was stood there holding my mug without a clue of what to do next.

 That scared me a little.

I’m used to not remembering what cutlery, blankets, other objects are but to totally forget how to make a drink I live on and make a lot was a bit of a shock. 

This week my friend ‘phoned and said I’ve not heard from you about what time to pop over today, and I had no idea what he was talking about. He said I’d discussed him coming over a couple of days before, and I checked my texts and I had indeed done so. But I had and have no recollection of it. 

My mum went to a friends wedding last weekend and despite me knowing about it for a few weeks before and wishing her a good time an hour before she went out, by the next day I had no recollection of the wedding or our conversation about it. 

I can’t add properly anymore, it just becomes a jumble of numbers. I can’t read something without either struggling to remember what the words mean or what it was about. 

I am now forgetting people’s names. Seriously, I forgot my friend of 20+ years. I had to look through my phone and then I still couldn’t remember what name was his. Or what half the peoples names were and who they were.

That scared me a lot. 

I’m in a constant haze of confusion and trying to pretend I’m fine and having conversations that I’m struggling to actually create a sentence that makes sense. Laughing off the silly things I do or say or forget and making a joke out of it. But deep inside I am confused and alarmed. 

I don’t know if the blindness in my eye and constant 24/7 throbbing headache is causing this increased  neuro damage or it’s my swelling brain, or both. 

I feel dumb, low in intelligence because I just can’t figure anything out as quickly as I used to or at all. I’m not saying I’m brain of Britain but I’ve certainly never been so unintelligent before. 

It’s odd, and I do not like it. 

I feel as though I’ve lost the ability to mentally function in a ‘normal’ way and spend my days and nights in confusion of what I’m doing, where I am, how to create sentences, think clearly, remember anything at all. 

This is not ‘brain fog’, that term I hate as it doesn’t nick the corner of the damage neuro damage causes both physically and mentally. 

I’ve no idea what it is but I’m seeing my dr on Monday and I’m going to mention it to her. 

That is If I remember to take my pre written symptom notes I take to all appointments, or even remember that I have this problem at all. 

 

Restless

I don’t know if it’s a good sign or not but I have been getting increasingly restless about my lack of achievements recently.

The last two years have been the only time I have not been in education of some kind, I loved learning and became restless if I didn’t.

From psychology to art to history to how things are in the word and anything and everything I could stuff into my brain! I soaked it up and it was for future work, but also myself I have a real yearning to know things and it gives me great pleasure and satisfaction.

Now of course I can’t keep whether someone asked for tea or coffee in my head, let alone when and how wars were fought and were.

I find this lack of retaining information beyond frustrating, it really gets to me and it must be so annoying for others when I constantly ask the same questions over and over again because what they told me has simply gone. Totally erased from my memory, within seconds or hours of being told.
Gawd knows where it goes, maybe the mind fairy.. One who steals information and memories from me while I’m not looking… A really really mean fairy! :O
Ha 😉

Seriously though, I miss learning I miss feeling the achievement of it and also I feel stuck in a rut life wise.

I always imagined by this age I would own my own home, have a decent paying job and living pretty comfortably. Not rich but not having to worry if a bill came in. I studied for years to fulfil this dream, to become a psychiatrist and help others was and is still my main aim. But the money would’ve made life comfortable too.

Then I found myself moving into genealogy, I’ve always loved history and found I was good at it and helping trace family trees was brilliant. Still I didn’t let go of the psychiatry but continued to study it along side the genealogy. I was capable of doing this, and have three books on the go too, all at once. My brain soaked up everything, I was a complete book worm always having three books at a time I was reading, one in the kitchen, one in the front room and one in the bedroom. I was able to read them as I was in different rooms, never losing track of the stories.

Now I can’t remember what day it is without checking several times through out the day.

Now restlessness has kicked in and I yearn to be studying, reading, learning. I feel as though I’m existing, stuck in a void that only changes die to the massive different symptoms I have daily.

But I have made a decision. I am looking into doing a very short online course.

My sons girlfriend mentioned a site that does them a few weeks back. She is planning to do one while she waits for her university place.
They’re between 4-8 weeks long and only 4-8 hours a week depending on the course.

This would wean me back to very slowly building up my memory again, test my brain and see how it copes with new information. I aim to do a history one, I figure that if it’s about something I have a passion for it might help me a lil more. Plus they’re free, which is brilliant seeing as there is no spare money for anything, let alone experimental things.

I can only try and if I do fail, well at least I tried. It has to be better than this feeling of moving nowhere fast.

And who knows, maybe one day I will finish my last two years of both or either diplomas. Even be able to go back and work as I learn.
It seems like a long shot but I’ve never been afraid of taking chances, one day I might even take over the world!!

Hmmm.. Ok, Maybe a lil to forward thinking.. I’ll stick to the short online course for now… 🙂

Waiting on my specialist

Yesterday continued to be pleasent. My son bought a table and chairs set, and I had my first meal sat at the table with him yesterday.
I have missed not having a table to eat at when I can, most of my meals are eaten in bed. So sitting at a table to salad and chatting with my son was brilliant, it’s the moments like that which makes the whole day brighter 🙂

Last night was a bad one pain wise. It had been niggling all day, but by 8pm it decided to rev up the fun! I didn’t sleep until 4am ish and I’m tired and a tad irritable on top of the pain. I certainly wasn’t impressed with the intense pain, but and at one point I recalled a programme I watched as a kid, someone chopped off their own leg because they were in so much daily pain they couldn’t cope with it anymore. Of course my brain then went to ridiculous imagination mode as it tends too and I wondered if I would ever get to that point. How I would manage with no legs, as it would have to be both. And would I stop there or start hacking at other areas, my left arm, right hand and how I would make a cuppa tea, get to the bathroom, down the stairs. In the end I imagined just having a torso and head, though I’d cut the pain and neuro damage parts out of the brain.. I got the giggles at that part, imagining my self with half a brain showing through my head.. Much like Ray Liotto in Hannibal.
I decided to stop that kind of thinking as it wasn’t helpful, but the giggles cheered me up and distracted me for a bit. A friend once said to me my imagination would lead me to the money or prison, neither have happened yet but you never know ;,)

I have an appointment with my pain specialist later today, I will discuss what other pain meds I could try because they don’t work at all again. I even upped the dose last night and still nothing. It again feels as though my bones are aching, along with my usual pain. I’m sure something else can be tried pain med wise, and my neuro meds are continuing to help my seizures become less often throughout the day which is great. So half the new meds are working is good news 🙂

Not too much planned for today, I’m not able to walk very well and my muscles are all really tight. I can’t take codeine due to the pain meds so I’m just on paracetamol and oramorph to take the edge off. I say edge, it’s more like trickle off. But again hopefully there are other options and I just need to talk to my specialist, very soon.. Very very very soon!