Restless

I don’t know if it’s a good sign or not but I have been getting increasingly restless about my lack of achievements recently.

The last two years have been the only time I have not been in education of some kind, I loved learning and became restless if I didn’t.

From psychology to art to history to how things are in the word and anything and everything I could stuff into my brain! I soaked it up and it was for future work, but also myself I have a real yearning to know things and it gives me great pleasure and satisfaction.

Now of course I can’t keep whether someone asked for tea or coffee in my head, let alone when and how wars were fought and were.

I find this lack of retaining information beyond frustrating, it really gets to me and it must be so annoying for others when I constantly ask the same questions over and over again because what they told me has simply gone. Totally erased from my memory, within seconds or hours of being told.
Gawd knows where it goes, maybe the mind fairy.. One who steals information and memories from me while I’m not looking… A really really mean fairy! :O
Ha 😉

Seriously though, I miss learning I miss feeling the achievement of it and also I feel stuck in a rut life wise.

I always imagined by this age I would own my own home, have a decent paying job and living pretty comfortably. Not rich but not having to worry if a bill came in. I studied for years to fulfil this dream, to become a psychiatrist and help others was and is still my main aim. But the money would’ve made life comfortable too.

Then I found myself moving into genealogy, I’ve always loved history and found I was good at it and helping trace family trees was brilliant. Still I didn’t let go of the psychiatry but continued to study it along side the genealogy. I was capable of doing this, and have three books on the go too, all at once. My brain soaked up everything, I was a complete book worm always having three books at a time I was reading, one in the kitchen, one in the front room and one in the bedroom. I was able to read them as I was in different rooms, never losing track of the stories.

Now I can’t remember what day it is without checking several times through out the day.

Now restlessness has kicked in and I yearn to be studying, reading, learning. I feel as though I’m existing, stuck in a void that only changes die to the massive different symptoms I have daily.

But I have made a decision. I am looking into doing a very short online course.

My sons girlfriend mentioned a site that does them a few weeks back. She is planning to do one while she waits for her university place.
They’re between 4-8 weeks long and only 4-8 hours a week depending on the course.

This would wean me back to very slowly building up my memory again, test my brain and see how it copes with new information. I aim to do a history one, I figure that if it’s about something I have a passion for it might help me a lil more. Plus they’re free, which is brilliant seeing as there is no spare money for anything, let alone experimental things.

I can only try and if I do fail, well at least I tried. It has to be better than this feeling of moving nowhere fast.

And who knows, maybe one day I will finish my last two years of both or either diplomas. Even be able to go back and work as I learn.
It seems like a long shot but I’ve never been afraid of taking chances, one day I might even take over the world!!

Hmmm.. Ok, Maybe a lil to forward thinking.. I’ll stick to the short online course for now… 🙂

Staying honest with myself and others

I am not in the best of health or mood today. Yesterday was spent being sick, hot and cold shivers, massive headache, high temperature and body aches that physically made my limbs jump and tighten. The symptoms eased off in the afternoon but by 4pm they were worse than before. I seriously considered phoning the Doctors but again, I know there’s nothing they can do as it’s the sinus infection and Devils grip making everything worse and the M.E and Fibro symptoms escalate. I don’t want to go through the rigmarole of anyone examining me, I can’t stand to be poked and prodded at the moment with my muscles and body hurting so much. I nodded of around 4am this morning up every hour or so as every time I moved it jolted me. I feel exhausted today, but the sickness seems to be going, touch wood, and I am thankful for that.

I was going to brush over how I am at the moment but I thought, no, this is an honest blog about the realities of the conditions I have and I need to be honest. How are people ever going to understand unless there is honesty, so I am sat writing this with two fingers because my right hand has decided to tighten up and only give me those fingers and a working wrist today. Which didn’t surprise me, I guessed some part of me would freeze or tighten today due to the pain and so far thankfully it is just my fingers, right shoulder, right side under my chest, top of that arm and my feet have swollen making my veins look like rivers outlined on a map. My temperature is a steady 37.3 which is better than the 40 last night. I haven’t been sick yet, my limbs aren’t shaking, just the back of my head is throbbing and my face, and not my whole head like yesterday either. These symptoms may again escalate today, but for now they have eased off and I am grateful for that.

It’s odd how you begin to be thankful and grateful that certain things aren’t so bad, when really the fact we have them would most likely send a person not having chronic conditions into a panic. It seems ridiculous that I am grateful for not having the symptoms as bad as yesterday yet, but I sincerely am. The days I wake being able to move my limbs with only pain and some limb freezing, to me is a good start to the day. To wake without pain in the nape of my neck, shoulders or my legs and feet swollen is a good day. I have become grateful for these things because  I know it could be a whole lot worse and am cheered by the non event of these bodily symptoms. It actually puts me in a good mood and I am able to think of what I can do in the next hour with the absence of them, never thinking about the afternoon because I have no idea what I am going to be like. Symptoms and body movement can change hour by hour, I could wake not being numb in a certain body part, but two hours later I can be not only be numb but spasming too with a massive migraine. There is no planning or thinking ahead with M.E and Fibro, no being able to think. oh I will put the washing on this afternoon because by the afternoon it just may not be possible. That is hard to come to terms with, there is no serenity, no planning, no making decisions, just the then and now. This is what Doctors should also tell us about, the truth of there being no planning being possible because of your body. You no longer control your body, your body controls you. But instead we have to learn the hard way, which is harder because at first you haven’t a clue whats going on and you push yourself then end up relapsing for days/weeks. Not understanding that the simple act of putting the washing out, cleaning the bathroom was too much for your body and it has shut down. It sounds ridiculous doesn’t it, that such simple things can lay you in bed for long periods of time, and to me it felt ridiculous so I just kept pushing, relapsing, relapsing and pushing until one day I did fully realise it was true, no matter how ridiculous it sounded.

I will not be doing it today, that’s for sure! My body is on strike and refusing to act in a manner that is in any way ‘normal’. I am going to rest up, try to not make anything worse and cope with my body as well as I can. It’s frustrating, difficult, lonely and darn right annoying, but it’s for the best so I just need to get on with it. I am sure there’s a film I haven’t watched 50 billion times over somewhere… 😉