Pain and achievement

I was laid in bed yesterday trying to think about anything but the pain I was in, but then as is often the case all I could think about was pain.

My pain levels are through the roof at the moment, and for the first time in a long time looked on the interweb for any foods I could introduce or new or long standing pain killers I could suggest to my doctor.
Unfortunately I found nothing new, and although I have had many people suggest medical marijuana it’s not legal in this country, only in spray form for cancer and ms sufferers.

Would I take a marijuana tablet if I could? The truthful answer is, I would try anything that would lessen the 24/7 pain I am in.

What a lot of people don’t realise is constant pain is absolutely exhausting. It literally takes away your energy, your movement and causes palpitations. The smallest tasks, such as making a cup of tea can lead to shaking limbs, exhaustion, breathlessness and more.. Every thing you do takes your energy and gives massive pain.

I had a letter from my pain clinic consultant which said she doesn’t think she can help me as my pain levels are too high, too debilitating and my body doesn’t work well with the opiates I am on, ie hardly work.
What she does again suggest is I go as an inpatient to Baths pain management centre and they may be able to help me..

First off, how the heck am I supposed to get to Bath? It’s a 40 minute train journey from here, not including getting to the train station, waiting for the train, the journey to the hospital after the train… Sitting up and being in a wheelchair the whole journey which shakes my legs and back up so much I can barely stand for days.
I don’t want to be stuck in a bed, noise, lights people, bustle around me and a kinda guinea pig they will poke and prod.

Apart from the mumbled, usually a few days..I have been given no real time scale how long I would be in hospital which is never good.

But my options are, I put up with the pain and continue to look for painkillers that don’t make my body scream in pain anytime I move a body part, or I go to the hospital which would cause a massive crash and be in there for an uncertain amount of time.

They’re not good options, and this upsets and angers me.

Because I desperately need to reduce my pain levels but I am now being told my pain clinic can’t help me so I’m back to square one.

So what am I supposed to do? How am I going to live in constant bodily pain day after day, year after year?
My hands and feet are now swollen again and laying down doesn’t do anything but make the whole body throbbing worse.
It’s difficult to do anything at the moment, even breathing causes pain!

I will continue to look on the web for anything that may help me, fingers crossed I’ll find something.

On a positive note, I am extremely happy about something I’m managing to do.

I have been reading, reading!!
I had the idea of writing down what had happened during each chapter so I can look back on it when I forget.
So I downloaded a book and it’s exactly what I am doing, writing as I read.

This is a huge development, yes I constantly forget what the previous paragraph or page said but I can get a memory jolt by looking at the notes I’ve written.

I am so so so happy about this! As I’ve said before I was a total book worm, and not being able to read has been extremely difficult for me.
Reading was always my escape, from stress, problems, illness and life. It relaxes me, makes me feel comfortable and stories, plots, style of writing fascinates me.

So I am escaping the pain for a lil while by reading and I am very happy doing so. It’s good to have something back in my life that I have really missed. Good to feel I am achieving something despite the pain I’m in 🙂