After a few weeks of better health and growing hope, I caught flu and a chest infection and now.. Well now I am in a major crash and flare.
It started with a cold, then a virus then full blown flu and chest infection. I hoped hoped hoped it wouldn’t erase all the good my body had been showing recently, but was very sadly wrong.
I no longer have flu or a chest infection, but I am back to where I was a year ago, in bed, unable to move without pain, cramp, spasms. My body is in constant throbbing ache and my muscles are pulling and burning.
My brain confusion is at a high, I can’t read or take in conversations properly, I can’t understand what someone is saying, as though they are speaking a foriegn language.
I can’t sit up without support and my electric blanket for more than ten minutes.
My head constantly aches, my left eye is blind and I had to for the first time ever miss a hospital appointment because I wasn’t well enough to get there.
It’s all so depressing, frustrating, sad, annoying, maddening.
I had hoped I’d never get to this point again, that painfully trying to move about holding in the scream of the pain of just moving, and being defeated by my stairs was something that was becoming easier.
Now, I really don’t know how long this relapse is going to last and I know I have a long hard battle ahead of me again to get on an even keel again.
The fun of flares and crashes are the constant painsomnia comes back, the not being able to swallow properly. The muscle cramps are a constant companion and my left arm keeps losing feeling on me.
But, I’d rather lose the feeling than it being in cramp.
I just feel fed up at the moment, depressed and face the huge steps back into better health that will once again need to be taken. And I wonder, knowing what is ahead, can I really do it all again.
I would rather not of had the better health for awhile, because it’s so much harder to adjust back into this complete bed and home bound state.
I’ll get through it, because I have to. Because I had enough stubbornness to push and make myself as well as possible.
It’s just the thought of living like this 24/7 for the next however long is a horrible and frightening prospect.
One of the worst things is the guilt that I again can’t run the home as I usually do. That my son is going to have to pick up the reins as well as working. My Mother has said she’s going to come do my housework, but she has enough on her own plate and ill health and I can’t allow it. I know my son won’t mind, but I do. My Father has offered to help too which I may have to accept.
It’s taken me a few days to write this and I’m not even sure I’ll post it. It’s not my usual happy, fighting blog post. But maybe that’s not a bad thing. This blog was started to show the harsh realities of the conditions I life with, and I’d be lying to everyone if I didn’t say things are very difficult at the moment.
Fibro and M.E 