I was laid in bed yesterday and let my brain wander to the way my life is and has been.
I believe everything happens for a reason, whether this is because this gives me comfort when times have been confusing or difficult I don’t know. I am a great believer in fate too, too many circumstances have happened in my life for me not to believe in this. Each path I have traveled down could’ve been so very different if I had choosen another route.
If I hadn’t of been such a nightmare of a girl when I was younger and been doing the things I had been doing, would I have become pregnant? If I hadn’t of become pregnant would I have turned my life around the way I did? No, I doubt very much I would have. As my family says, I wouldve been dead within two years if I hadn’t of become pregnant. I agree with this.
I was way beyond any control of anything, anyone and having my son made me become a person who didn’t want to toss my life away. I had this tiny baby, who needed me to be here, be a decent person, to be brought up as well as I could and I did just that. Having my son will always be the best thing that ever happened to me, and I don’t doubt for one minute my life would’ve ended if I hadn’t of had him.
If I hadn’t of chosen the flat I did to live in, school I sent my son to, study the subjects I did, work in the jobs I did, meet the people I did along the way. All of these things paved my life ahead, and if any one of them had been different I am sure the path of my life would’ve been different.
As for the way my life has turnt out, I never expected it to be like this. You know, when you’re young and your whole life is ahead of you and you feel as though there is all the time in the world to do the things you always wanted. That life will continue to be summer days that go on forever, without having a care in the world as you pluck daisys while you sit in the grass. And no matter who tells you to cherish those days as they don’t last forever.. Well such a thought is scoffed at in total disbelief.
Do I have regrets? Yes, without a doubt. If anyone says they haven’t one regret during their life, I wouldn’t believe them. The saying ‘ live your life with no regrets’ is just that, a saying. I don’t believe anyones life has been paved with such perfectly planned dreams that all came through without a hint of misfortune or a single bad time. Am I cynical? No, I’m a realist.
Do I begrudge being struck down with not one, or two but three chronic conditions and a huge possibility that I have one or more yet to be diagnosed. Yes. My ‘dream life’ didn’t include my being disabled by the age of 33. In my dreams, at this age I would’ve been a qualified psychiatrist who had bought or was close to buying my own home. To be driving, have my own garden I could make my own and relax in. To be financially stable, not rich but not worry about a bill coming in and how I could pay it.
It isn’t much, my dreams never were but I know for now I have to let go of them. I have to make a new path in life, and travel down it as best I can while being fully aware of my conditions being there at every turn, and taking a huge part of my life with them.
I refuse to let go of dreams though, ok so they have to change, my life won’t be as I once thought of it being when long ago I lived in summers that lasted forever. My life has never gone to plan, not once. If anything it has been the total opposite of how I thought it would be. It’s been difficult, hard work, strewn with emotional and health upheavals, no stability, no ‘right paths’. But it’s also had great times, love, happiness, laughter and comfort. If my future is also going to be as different as my past has been then at least it will have been a very eventful one that made me feel as though I’m alive, living to the best capabilities I could.
And that’s what’s life is all about in the end, living, breathing and feeling fully, totally, and undoubtedly alive.
Fibro and M.E 