Life hasn’t ended, its just different

I was chatting to my friend last night and he was saying how he wouldn’t be able to cope living how I now do. The pain, not being able to sit up for more than ten minutes before I am in pain. The wheelchair, bed bound, now ‘head lapses’. He would kill himself if it happened to him, and how much he admires my strength of being able to cope anf continue as I am.
Well, I wasn’t quite sure what to say to be honest! And being more honest I thought, jeez am I really so bad that he went to the extreme of saying he would commit suicide rather than be like me?
It’s a rather depressing thought, but one I thought about after. It’s not the first time someone has said how they admire the way I cope with things and take the mickey out of myself.
But I don’t think about it, I just wake up and deal with whatever symptoms decide to play around in my body that day. Some days are worse than others, and on really bad days when all I can do is lay in bed, wracked in pain, limbs frozen while others spasm I do think about what the future will be like. How I might not get a bit better and be stuck like it forever. That thought worries me, but then again before I got as unwell as I am now I used to worry about being like I am now. But it happened and hey, im still here and I get through each day as best I can. The odd part is, I’m used to being like this now, I honestly have to really think hard about how I used to be and how my life was. It doesn’t upset me like it once did, rarely when I do look back now and again and recall a certain event, used to have three books on the go at one time do I ponder upon it. I will think about it for a few minutes then it’s gone and I carry on doing whatever it was I was doing.

I don’t think about not coping or killing myself. Im not saying I havent had bad days where I have had enough of it all, im exhausted trying to juggle everything. I have, and still do and on those days I try not to put it onto others and retreat from everything until I feel more positive.
Coping is not something I think about, I’m unwell, I recognize this and just work around it as best I can. I don’t think about suicide, I have a son, a family a partner whom I love and they would be the ones to suffer if I did it. It’s the people left behind that suffer, I wouldn’t feel anything as I’m no longer here.
But I understand so much why people do, the pressure, life change, really bad health, seclusion, mental anguish is crushing not only to the body but mind. Especially as people still dont get the help they need because of the many many doctors etc.. don’t recognise these conditions. Ohh how that gets to me and makes me furious! I had better not go into it as this post will be pages long!
I just go with the flow, and not think about tomorrow until it happens. I dont think I’m brave, or strong or exceptional there are hundreds and thousands of people doing the same as I each day. I don’t feel I am in anyway special, nor that I should end my life. Life is a gift, something I now treasure and appreciate. I have no thoughts of not being here, or thinking that the way I am and my life now is not worth it. Yes it’s difficult, hard, emotionally distressing, tiring.. But to me life is still worth living and I have gotten used to things being this way now.
People who don’t suffer from any illness or disability can’t really ever imagine what it’s like and immediately say they couldnt cope with it. But 9/10 people would think very differently if they were in that position. Until they are, they will never truly understand how life becomes something you appreciate and cherish. I wouldn’t wish my conditions on anyone, but having them has changed me and my perception more than anything else could’ve. It’s easy to be flippant about something you have never experienced, it’s living like it that actually gives you experience and real opinions on the matter. I may be a shadow of my former self health wise but I am still here, still living and still appreciating life. I’m just living life differently, life hasn’t ended its just become a whole new way of living.