It’s been a good weekend so far. I have rested lots, eaten more and generally feel a bit better in myself.
As positive as I am about most things in life, I am far from the most relaxed, easy going and even tempered person a lot of people think me to be. I get very passionate about the things I believe in, also the welfare and care of people close to me and even people I talk to on social media sites whom I haven’t met but can understand how they feel. I had a terrible temper when I was younger, I shouted, screamed and threw things in utter anger and un ability of knowing how to get my point across. I couldn’t express myself properly and got so frustrated because of it. Having my son calmed it all down and I learnt how to be diplomatic and quietly but firmly put my point across. Why am I writing about this today? I am not a 100% sure but there is a part of me that is dwelling a lot on how I am, how I deal with things. How much being unwell has changed my way of dealing with things and how I feel about things. I spend a lot of time on my own, due to resting, insomnia, painsomnia, not being able to sit in company for too long due to noise and light. So I go to my room and if the drunks in the park are being quiet or I am up most the night which is very often then I have a lot of time to think. Too much time really, constant thinking is no good for anyone. But it happens whether or not you want to, a thought will pop into my head and once it’s there I can’t ignore it so I dwell on it instead. Well, I do try to ignore it at times but that doesn’t last for long as it will continue to pop into my head until I deal with it. There is no distracting yourself doing anything, reading, watching t.v, housework, going for a walk, because these things are no longer possible. So I instead have to deal with the thoughts constantly swirling about, which sometimes is hard to do.
It’s an easy way for the dark thoughts to get through, to have them simmer in the background of an already dark cloud that is the loss of the things you can no longer have, the person you can no longer be. The future you had thoughts of being like, they all swarm around my head like an angry wasp hive. And sometimes all I can do is lay there, let them run through and deal with one thought at a time. Becoming unwell and daily fighting against the things inside you causing your illness with neither of you winning and ending in a constant cycle of battling against each other.
Illness forces you to face things, because you can’t run away from them or distract yourself and I don’t think this is always a bad thing. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes I often just want my head to shut the hell up and give me two minutes peace, but well, I really do talk to myself too often these days so try not to argue with myself and start down that road.. I think not being able to run, distract yourself makes you face your fears, happiness, reality and accept them. I know I have become a lot more less judgemental of people, not so quick to judge and pass them off before I get the chance to understand them and their predicements first. I am calmer, not becoming so impatient when a thing isn’t done to the standard or set time I used to expect. You learn to not obsess over the washing up not being done straight away, because the fact that a meal was prepared and eaten gives solice and renders the cleaning after not so important. The housework has to be done as and when, at first I used to get so wound up that the vacuuming needed to be done as the fluff drove me to distraction. Now I can wait until it can be done by whomever and not get so wound up. I am quieter, not because I am depressed for days or upset but because I have learnt a calmness within myself and towards others I never thought possible. I am kinder, more willing to listen and wait for someone to finish their opinion, sentence before rushing in and overriding them. I am more emotionally open, I tell people how I feel about them, things in general where as I used to bottle my emotions up and never let them be shown. I cherish things more, appreciate just waking up and being able to enjoy some time in the day that is pain free, no matter if it is just minutes. A few hours downstairs in the company of my son, family, gives me happiness for days after. The simple act of cuddling up to my partner and just enjoying the silly conversations or comfortable silences we share, that we are able to have and share is so special to me. There are no demands, no having to think of the next hour because by that time I could not be able to curl up and cuddle but only lay still in pain. It’s enjoying the moment, because that moment can be gone in an instant which makes the moments extra special and important.
I doubt I would of ever have changed like I have unless these illnesses had become part of my body, my life. I cannot think of something that would take over my body making me trapped inside my own head and making me deal with issues I had never had to before, or change my life and out lookout so drastically. I can honestly say, in a strange way I am thankful for the conditions I have for making me a better, more understanding, appreciative person. I may not like having them, like the fact that they have disabled not only my body and mind but my life. There are so many reasons to fight against these conditions, to curse them. But being able to be thankful for the good changes must be acknowledged and understood too. If I can only ever say I am thankful for the good it has caused me to become as a person and emotionally, then that will be enough to help me not only accept what has happened but to sleep more peacefully at night.
Fibro and M.E 