It always amazes me that people say you can look o.k even though your’e very unwell. Why? well, because since becoming unwell I have looked ill and it very much shows on my face. This week with the viruses on top I look like nothing on Earth, I am white as a sheet, massive bags under my eyes, which are swollen, my face is drawn and my mouth is peeling. Along with the unwashed hair, if any Directors were looking for an extra for a alien film, I definetly wouldn’t need a costume! Over the last year and a half I have noticed it show more and more on my face and body and do despair over it at times. Most of the time I couldn’t care less, but sometimes I will look in the mirror and think, oh dear.. My skin is now bad too when I always had good skin, it resembles that of a teenagers going through puberty in its spotty and dry state. I never got spots as a teenager, I think Mother Nature has decided to curse me with them now. It isn’t all in my head either, even my Doctor say’s I look unwell and the one that came out on Tuesday said ” I can tell you’re unwell just by looking at you”. Cheers then Doc, but it proves it isn’t just all in my imagination. Is it just me that is cursed with this or do others suffer with having their illnesses show on their face? Maybe it is just me, but I can’t believe that is the case.
It’s been a very quiet weekend, with me still feeling like nothing on Earth along with looking like it. I am beginning to wonder how long I can actually survive without proper sleep as this week I have had about 10 hours unbroken sleep all together and two nights that I haven’t slept at all. It is definetly starting to tell, my head feels heavy, tired and I feel listless and as though my eyes are full of sand. Yet I still cannot sleep. I am either up due to pain, spasms, sickness, stomach squeezing, joint locking and headache or my mind being over active and I can’t settle or relax into sleep. I have never slept well, I managed for many years on around 4- 5 hours a night, I did get better for a few years but now sleep is something I only grab in snatches. It is actually something I now hope for, to sleep for six or a glorious 8 hours without waking at all. I don’t even mind waking up ill, but just to sleep for that long would be an amazing thing that I haven’t experienced in a very long time. I would also like to win the Lottery, just saying in case any one up there is listening.. 😉
As I am writing this two of the dozen or so people who spend most of their time sat in the park opposite where I live drinking are arguing so loudly that I can hear all they are saying from 6 floors up in my bedroom with the window closed. I really do despair of some people, it’s their life and choice on how they decide to live it but what annoys me is that they seem determined for everyone else to be pulled into it without our permission. I have no interest that one of them owes the other 20p and they want it because they need it towards another can, and the other arguing back that they haven’t got it because they gave them 50p yesterday to make a phone call. And apparently didn’t get any change from that. If you are aware of how a broad Bristolian accent sounds then you can imagine how they are speaking but if not then, ” I aint gert gorrit mind, cuz you ad it orf me fur dat phon call yesteeerrday dint yer!” Is the gist of it, and slurred too which makes it sound even worse but as they are shouting I can make it out. I thank my parents every day for teaching me to speak well, though they themselves are very Bristolian speaking. Not that I am ashamed to be Bristolian, far from it. But some deliberetely put on the accent for reasons I can never understand.
I am going to put my ear plugs in and browse the property site to take a look at what kind of accomodation they have this week. Although I can’t start bidding yet it is good to look and get an idea of how it all works. It also gives me something to focus on to block out the lovely citizens in the park and the symptoms currently trying to override me with their attention. I keep telling them that it isn’t going to happen, but then realise I am literally talking out loud to my body and promptly stop it. I don’t need madness on top of everything else!
Fibro and M.E 
As far as how I look, the only time people can tell I am sick is when I have a migraine, as my eyes show it. I know that there are bags and dark circles under my eyes a lot, but I guess everyone thinks that is how I always look, therefore I look good to them. 😀